Looking Forward in the Rear View Mirror

DIY Sunburst Mirror - Version 1

2011-11-03T08:46:00.000-07:00

This is my very first attempt at writing a tutorial. Any constructive criticism you have to offer is greatly appreciated. Happy crafting!

I was perusing the interwebz for crafting ideas like I so very often do, when I came across this awesome tutorial for a mirror made with recycled cereal boxes. Being drawn to dandelions, I was instantly inspired to make this. Immediately. I always buy cereal in bulk bags rather than boxes, but my husband had recently bought some Chex so he could make Chex mix. And it just so happened that those Chex boxes were sitting in my recycle bin in the basement. This was all the confirmation from God that I needed.

I needed a mirror and a can of spray paint and then this little beauty would be mine. It just so happened that I was making a trip into town to run errands and Hobby Lobby would surely be on the list of stops, as it very nearly always is. They have mirrors. They have spray paint. Again, this was Divine Confirmation of the Inevitable.

Added perk: for the first time in MONTHS, I was making this trip to Hobby Lobby sans brood. I would be undisturbed in my crafty musings as I stalked my prey in the wide, well-lit aisles. Mirror found. And it was 50% off. Damn, I love Hobby Lobby.

Candle-holder-mirror-plate-thingy under my arm, I meandered through aisle separating the candle wares from the wall decor and caught a glimpse of this in the corner of my eye:

I fell in love with it. It had to be mine. It had to go home with me. It had a price tag that said $119.99...It would continue to look awesome on the rack at Hobby Lobby. No way I was going to drop that kind of coin on a mirror. A stinking MIRROR! Not when I was here to *make* a mirror myself in the first place.

And then it happened.

I glanced at the candle-holder-mirror-plate-thingy in my hand. I glanced back at the $120 mirror on the rack. The gears were turning. I took the $120 mirror off of the rack and examined it more closely - just a bunch of rods spot welded to a circle under a mirror with smaller mirrors welded to it. I began to count and measure. 40 spokes. 60 one-inch mirrors. 40 half-inch (ish) mirrors. I hung it back up and headed to the other side of the store in search of the bags of small crafting mirrors, chanting to myself in my best Wayne's World voice, "It will be mine. Oh yes, it WILL be mine." There may or may not have been a maniacal cackle or two involved. I will neither confirm nor deny it.

Aaaaaaanywho, I devised a plan. Mirrors and spray paint aside; at home, I had everything I needed on hand to make this thing my biz-nitch. Here's a run-down of my supply list:

~ 10" mirror candle holder (plate-thingy)

~ 40 1/2-3/4" crafting mirrors (Sold in bags of 24 at Hobby Lobby for $2.74/bag)

~ 60 1" crafting mirrors (Also sold in bags of 24 at Hobby Lobby for $2.74/bag)

~ spray paint in your choice of color (I'm a purple fanatic.)

~ 40 bamboo shish-kabob skewers (Make sure they're not bowed. You can buy them in bags of 100 at Walmart for less than $2)

~ lid from a butter bowl, cool whip bowl, bowl of brains, whatever. What you do with your bowls is your business, not mine. I'm not here to judge.

~ hot glue gun with lots and lots of hot glue
~ ruler

~ marker or pencil

~ garden pruners (to trim the skewers)

~ circle template

~ plate hanger

Total cost out of my pocket: less than $18.00.

Using your ruler and your pencil/marker, measure and mark 20 of your bamboo skewers at the 11" mark. Then use your hand pruners to trim off the pointed end of the skewers where you have marked them. See picture below.

(Editor's note: My skewers were 12" long. I chose 11" because I wanted to make the piece as big as I could while still removing the sharp points. If your skewers are longer, or you wish to make a smaller piece, feel free to fudge the numbers accordingly)

Mark the 20 remaining skewers at a length of 8 1/2" and trim them off with the pruners. (Laying them out like this is a great way to fish out the skewers that are bowed.)

For the next few steps, you'll need your trimmed skewers, your recycled lid, your template, and your glue gun. (Please note my uber-extravagant glue gun tray. Some common folk refer to it as a paper plate. I say they're crazy.) The template has several circles marked to help you center your lid (which will be the base of your mirror) as you apply the spokes. Hopefully, I've included a circle that fits your lid.

Just a friendly reminder that the bigger your lid is, the further apart your spokes will be. Likewise, the smaller the lid, the closer the spokes. If your spokes are too close together, you won't be able to space and apply the smaller mirrors the way I have them outlined here. Again, all you need to do is fudge the numbers and find what fits your taste.

Center your lid on the template using the concentric circles as a guide.

Now, I'm a right-brained individual that kicks completely into left-brain mode when it comes to crafting. You can glue your spokes on in order if you want, but I prefer to separate them out and do all of the 11" spokes first, then go in and fill the gaps with the shorter spokes. Patterns, people. I'm all about the patterns.

Apply a dab of hot blue to the *non-trimmed* end of your 11" skewers. These ends are flatter than the trimmed end and will stick to your base (the lid) a lot better. Using your template as a guide, glue the skewer to the edge of the lid. Continue around the circumference of the lid, applying skewers at every other line on the template (remember to leave a line in the middle for your short skewers).

Like so:

This is my half-assed attempt at taking a picture whilst holding a skewer and a glue gun. Craptastic, I know. Don't be jealous.

Once you've attached all of your 11" skewers, go back and attach the 8 1/2" skewers using the same method. Again, use your template as a guide to help ensure that the skewers are evenly spaced and straight.

It's coming to life!

Once all of your spokes are attached and the glue has dried, peel your base off of the paper template. Don't worry if the paper gets stuck, no one's going to see it. Just rip off the excess as best you can.

To give the spokes some extra support, flip the base over and apply a generous bead of glue around the edge of the lid, making sure to let it drip down in between the spokes.

(My fancy-shmancy glue gun tray has multiple uses, as you can clearly see in the photo below.)

If you experience a sudden loss of heat in your glue gun, hesitate before you cuss it a blue streak. In fact, don't even yell at your kids just because they walked past you. Instead, check to make sure you didn't kick the cord and unplug it as you were piling on heaps of ooze to reinforce the base of your creation. Trust me.

Once you've reinforced the bottom and that glue has cooled, flip it over and do it all again on the top. I come from a school of thought that says, "If a little bit of glue will do the job, then a lot of it will do the job even better." Just some background info for you.

After the whole thing has cooled to room temperature, it's time to paint this baby! You may need to apply several light coats to get the color you desire. I didn't paint the back side of mine, but you certainly may. Follow directions on the can for drying times, etc. Make sure you are in a well-ventilated area. No huffing!

Now the real fun begins. Lay the project face-down and begin marking off where your smaller mirrors will be centered. There will be 3 mirrors on the long spokes, 2 mirrors on the short ones. Measuring from the center (the lid) outward, mark the long spokes at 3 1/2" and 6 1/2". Mark the shorter spokes at 5". The tip of each skewer will act as its own mark for the mirror to be attached at the very end.

(Editor's note: in the photo below, you see me marking a short spoke at 4 1/2". Once I completed the project, I decided that moving this row of mirrors 1/2" out would look better.)

Begin attaching the smallest of the mirrors (1/2" or 3/4", whichever you chose) to the skewers by placing a small line of hot glue down the center of the back and placing it under the skewer. Make sure to center the mirror on the mark you made both vertically and horizontally. For this pattern, the first two rows of mirrors that radiate out from the center will be made of the smallest mirror pieces. You should have small mirrors at the 3 1/2" mark on the long spokes and at the 5" mark on the short spokes.

Using the same method, attach the 1" mirrors to the project. You should have 1" mirrors at the 6 1/2" marks on the longer spokes, and then at the tips of each spoke. Again, make sure to use the tip of each skewer to center your mirror when gluing it.

This looks monotonous, but it really didn't take me that long at all.

Once you've attached all of your mirrors and the glue has cooled, carefully flip the project over. Now stand back and admire your handiwork, for the end is nigh.

You know that big candle-holder-mirror-plate-thingy that started this whole mess? Remember? Yeah, that thing. Now's the time to attach it. Place the big mirror face down and center your project - also face down - over it. Now is the time for copious amounts of hot glue. Get that glue gun in there and fill every nook and cranny you can find. Get in between, under, and around every. single. spoke. All of them. Like Aerosmith, you don't want to miss a thing. (*groan*)

Glue, glue, and glue some more. Get that thing on there, nice and sturdy.

Once it's all dry, attach a plate hanger and get that masterpiece on the wall!

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Happy Birthday, Clara Louise

2011-01-14T22:39:00.000-08:00

"Falling On" by Finger Eleven

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rR8qVBVcWHc&ob=av2el

When you feel so close to some resolve

And you write the words you were writing for

But your courage gets dissolved

Into what, I don't know...

When you feel that way again

You have to stop your thinking

And think of what you're here for

And let the rest of your feelings go

You've got to find your balance

You've got to realize

You've got to try to find what's right before your eyes

And if you find you've fallen

And all your grace is gone

Just scream for me and I'll be what you're falling on

When you feel so close to some resolve

And you say the things that you're standing for

Don't let your courage get dissolved

Cause it's then that the fear grows

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn't want her. I didn't plan for her. I spent the entire pregnancy in denial that it was actually happening. I refused to take a refresher lamaze class because I simply could not accept it...

About three and a half years ago, the stress of my career was at an all-time high. I had reached the point that I was someone in the community that people knew. I was spending 60+ hour weeks at the office and spent countless hours outside of the office doing business over the phone. There were no such things as weekends. I was on call 24/7. At the same time, I was a mother, wife, and homeowner. It was difficult, but somehow Ed and I managed to find a way to make it all work.

My boss made me a junior partner and gave me his full authority in hiring/firing decisions. We had just agreed to take on a new sales staff and extra hours. That meant I would be spending even more time interviewing, hiring, and training, in addition to my own responsibilities as a salesperson. There was hardly time to breathe.

The sales staff we hired flaked out in record time, adding even more amusing anecdotes to my lengthy list of "Crazy Ways People Have Told Me They Quit." That left me and one other person to cover all the "wonderful" extended office hours the agency was offering. This was not part of the deal. And to top it all off, something just didn't feel right. The day that agent number four rode off into the sunset, my boss, his wife, and I decided to go drown our sorrows in some ice cream. It could not have possibly happened at a worse time. Something about this ice cream just was not right. It made my stomach turn. And this was Oberweiss Dairy we're talking about, not cheap, some over-processed, full-of-chemicals dairy byproduct. I knew what it meant, but I wasn't about to say a word to my boss.

That night before bed, I told Ed about my concern. I told him that my stomach had been doing flip-flops all day and about how the ice cream was still gurgling its way through my digestive tract, leaving my insides in a fit. He very matter-of-factly told me that it was just the stress of losing four agents in two weeks and trying to keep up with the workload. But, if I was really concerned that it was something else, then at the end of the week we would talk about it again...

Yeah, right.

The next day I ran to the Target around the corner on my lunch break and headed for the pharmacy. Trying to keep Ed's words in mind, I glanced over their home pregnancy test offerings. "I really can't be pregnant," I thought to myself, "I'm not even late yet." Having had such a difficult time conceiving in the past, I assured myself that I had nothing to fear. Then I remembered what I had told my husband in a fit of Nazarene Nap-induced passion just a few weeks earlier..."Come on honey, this one time isn't going to make a difference. It took us three years to get Vivian." I giggled and pushed the thought aside. I spotted the pregnancy test three-pack. After all, there was no way I was really pregnant and it never hurts to have a couple of tests on hand just in case.

I drove back to my office and headed straight for the bathroom. The other agent, Jessica, knew what was up and waited outside the bathroom door. Nothing like performing for an audience. I peed on the stick and that's when my life came unceremoniously unhinged.

Ladies and gentlemen, I urge you to listen to your health teachers. When he/she says it only takes one time...he/she means it. Clara Louise Soper is living proof of that.

I'd love to say that I was giddy, but the truth of the matter is that, upon seeing the two pink lines, I immediately exclaimed, "Aww, shit!" Jessica wasn't really sure what to make of that, so she hollered through the door to see if I needed help. What kind of help, exactly, I have never figured out. I guess it's just one of those things you say when you don't know what to say. I opened the door and showed her the pink lines. She did a happy dance while I tried not to burst into tears. I called Ed at work. His reaction was a much more conservatively-worded reflection of my own sentiments. There were no "I love yous" on this phone call. Just exasperated sighs and a "We'll figure this out somehow" at the end. The months that followed were some of the worst months of my life.

I know. Go ahead and say it. "What kind of mother/woman/heartless witch/or other expletive-filled title are you?" Don't worry. It's okay to think the worst of me for it. I did. Throughout the entire pregnancy. I felt so horribly guilty for not getting all worked up over this new baby. This baby was ruining everything. Ruining my career, ruining my budget, ruining my daycare plans, ruining my relationship with my husband. Can you believe that this little unborn baby even went so far as to get in between me and my darling daughter, Vivian? Not just metaphorically, but physically. I reached a point where my belly was too big for Vivian to sit on my lap and be rocked and sung to sleep as I had nearly every night since she blessed our home. This was simply unacceptable. This was not in my plan.

Then she was born, and oh dear Lord, please help me. I had no epidural with either of my daughters and let me just tell you: there is a big difference between 6 1/2 lbs and 8 lbs. I felt every ounce of that extra pound-and-a-half. And then I look up to see this...

Please forgive me for saying so, but it took a while for me to bond with this alien baby. In fact, I forced myself to start calling her "Beautiful" right away, thinking that if I said it enough times, I'd believe it. (And I'm so glad I did, because shetruly is so beautiful.)

This baby had one clump of hair on the left side of her head, just above her ear, with a crazy-wicked curl that stuck straight out the side of her head. I knew right away that we were in trouble. THIS was my pay-back child. She was/is nothing like Vivian. She cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. And, OH!, what lungs she had! It was less of a cry, really, and more of a miserable harpy scream. Banshees everywhere took note of her lungs' prowess. When I wasn't at work, she clung to me constantly. When I was at work, she'd pass on taking pumped bottles and wait until I got home to nurse. And nurse. And nurse. And nurse.

I was never a co-sleeping kind of mom until I had Clara. I didn't do it for the warm fuzzy feeling. I did it for my sanity. Starting with just a few weeks after her conception, I honestly did not sleep through the night until she was 5 months old. And that one time was just a fluke. It would be another two YEARS before my husband and I were able to sleep through the night without being awakened at 3:30 in the morning.

She instantly became a whirlwind of activity. Crawling at 5 months, walking by 10. She was WALKING before the age that Vivian had even started CRAWLING! We affectionately started referring to her as Godzuki from the horrible Hannah/Barbara cartoon. She left a path of destruction everywhere she went. I had no idea how in the world I was going to keep up with these two.

In the meantime, work had gone from bad to worse. I lost one more agent right before I left for maternity leave and scrambled to get the new one trained before I left. My first day back, he went to lunch and never came back. Turns out, he got arrested on an outstanding warrant. The attitudes of my boss and his wife - our customer service director - had changed substantially. The situation grew quite toxic very quickly. I struggled for months, agonizing over what to do. Keeping up with the two kids, pumping and nursing every couple of hours, not getting any sleep at night, running myself ragged trying to keep up with my boss's expectations and my clients' demands. I just couldn't keep doing it. But I had poured so much of my time and myself into helping the agency succeed and grow. I couldn't just walk away from all of that.

I had a little bit of comp time and some personal days saved up, so I took the girls and went to my folks' house for a week to get away and think. My mother finally asked me what the real problem was. I spouted off all the problems and worries. I told her about the options I was looking at and career choices that I had. I was just trying to figure out what the next step was.

"Sounds to me like it's time for you to be a mom," was her response. That was not on my list of options.

"I can't, Mom."

"Yes you can. Those girls deserve it and so do you." Apparently she just wasn't listening. Maybe I wasn't telling her clearly enough. You have to understand that my mom and I rarely ever see eye-to-eye on anything. Just because she stayed home with her kids, didn't mean I was going to follow in her footsteps. What does she mean I deserve it? No one deserves that kind of torture!

Ha-ha! I'm such an idiot. I made a career change about a month later and things got a little better, but it became clear very quickly that I was headed for a much different path. My life was different now and I needed to start paying attention to that. I had spent all this time trying to find a balance, but it was all right in front of me. I needed to be home with my kids.

That little girl turned my entire world upside down from day one. And then she shook it. And jumped on it. And rattled it around. And shook it some more. And it scares me to think about where I would be today if she hadn't.

I love you, Boo-Boo.

Looking Forward in the Rear View Mirror, Year 2

2011-01-07T22:10:00.000-08:00

courtesy www.postsecret.com

Those of you that follow me pretty regularly may have noticed that my blog posts over the past year have been a bit scarce. I've mostly stuck to posting recipes and rants on bands that I can't stand. Don't mistake that for a lack of introspection, however. My journey this year has been a very private one. One that I haven't felt fully comfortable divulging openly for all to see. But now that a new year has begun, I feel like a recap - or at least an update - is in order.

I'm not exactly sure when or where it happened. I'm not even certain how I managed to arrive there, but I feel like I have conquered the body-image giant that I wrote about almost one year ago. Although I may not be certain of exactly where the victory came from, I do know who to thank for helping me along the way. So thank you Gina, Courtney, and Kate. It's amazing how much a person's life can change when they start to embrace the most basic part of them: the body.

The PostSecret pictured above became my mantra this year. It holds a permanent place on the desktop of my laptop. I did turn 30 this year, and dammit, I feel great. I feel HOT! Dirty 30 has been very good to me (and, in turn, to Ed. *snicker*) I'm living my life. I'm enjoying my life. And it feels great.

Do I still think to myself that I'd like to have a little more up here and a little less down there? Well, sure. I think a lot of people go through that. But I don't view it as a weakness anymore. I'm not full of flaws. I am fearfully and wonderfully made by my Creator.

And He did a damned good job.

In the Garden A-Weedin'

2010-09-07T16:45:00.000-07:00

The Soper ladies spent some time outside in the gusty fresh air this afternoon. The girls played while I worked in the yard, pondering and seeking out some sort of life lesson whilst I pulled weeds from my embarrassingly-neglected and overgrown flower beds when I happened upon this little lady.

While I gave the girls a refresher on the role of camouflage, and the ins and outs of life as a praying mantis, I was gently reminded that each of us was created for a purpose; that we all play a vital role in God's Creation. Sometimes that role is an ugly one. Sometimes it is we that are the ugly ones. As Clara pointed out when she said, "Momma, she is SOOOO beautiful! I LOVE her!" - sometimes beauty is merely a matter of perspective. Sometimes, you're just hanging around minding your own business when a giant comes along and starts knocking down everything you know as home and rips it all away, sending you into a panic and wrecking your way of life. Sometimes, you have to leave your comfort zone and find a new place to land. Sometimes, in the middle of hacking your way through an overgrown hell of a mess, you stumble upon the things that are strikingly simple and powerful at the same time. And sometimes, if you're not careful, you'll miss those things.

Sometimes, one small discovery leads to more...a chrysalis, an ant colony complete with eggs, a giant beetle thorax, big hairy spiders, making memories with your kids, an opportunity to educate them, an opportunity to be educated by them, and life lessons that will stay with you forever.

I Went to the Beer Tent

2010-07-12T20:46:00.000-07:00

On Saturday night, I went to the beer tent at the park across the street in the first time since we've lived here. Let me tell you what this means to me:

Off and on over the past several years, I've battled random bouts of homesickness. I've never felt like I've fit in anywhere that I've lived quite the way that I did when I was back home. (Truth be told, I probably wouldn't fit in at home all that much anymore either.) Don't get me wrong, I've made lots of friends since I left home, but not the kind of friends that I've ever felt totally comfortable being myself around. It's been kind of painful to think that, aside from my husband and a handful of family members, there's really only one person who I don't feel like I have to put on a "mask" when I'm around her. And that would be my BFF since the 3rd grade, Courtney (aka Corndog). But she's almost 2 hours away.

About 5 1/2 years ago, when faced with yet another Olivet-induced move-out, we decided that trying to rent apartments in Bourbonnais simply wasn't worth the hassle anymore. We decided to buy a house and put down some roots. I grew up in a small town. I loved life in a small town. And I knew that I wanted to raise my children in a small town. There were a lot of small towns around the area, and some friends recommended that we check out Clifton, 20 minutes to the south. So we did and yadda, yadda, yadda, here we are.

I thought I would love it right away, but working 60+ hour weeks and starting a family really didn't lend itself to getting to know people very well. Eventually, we tried going to church here in town in order to meet people. That didn't really pan out very well for us either. It's a very small church, there was a split a few months into our attendance there, and we wandered away to find something else. Plus, there was no one at the church our age, save for one couple that I really didn't feel that I had all that much in common with. Ed did, but I didn't. We have a few very good friends/neighbors that we've grown to know over the last few years, but I still have never felt comfortable taking off my "mask" with any of them. It had gotten very frustrating and the homesickness only grew worse.

In fact, until the past few months, I've been very torn about what direction to go. I didn't have any real reasons to stay here anymore. We could move and hardly anyone would notice. The only thing I would really miss was the house itself.

Then the most amazing thing happened. I quit my job and got to know our new neighbors, Sara and Jaramie. And through them, I got to know Mary and Matt, and Jessie and Derek, and Mike and Jackie, and Dennis, and ... you get the picture. I joined the Clifton Fun Days Committee as an experiment to see just how many more people I could meet in this town. I wanted to know if there really were more people around here that were like me. At first, I wasn't so sure. But over the past few weeks, it has been really amazing to finally see a side of this small town that I wasn't privy to before. Through the Committee, I've met Shannon and Justin, Missy and Andy, Leann and Jason, Amie and Justin, and...you get the picture. And over the course of the event last weekend, I met even more great people. It's finally starting to feel like home.

In the 5 years since we moved in, never once had I visited the beer tent. Clifton has 3 bars and, until this weekend, I had never set foot in any of them. I didn't go because I didn't know anyone. I didn't know anyone because I had never taken the time to.

I'm glad that has changed. I'm glad I can finally take off the mask and be myself. And I'm glad the beer tent will be back again next year. In the meantime...for a good time, call me! ;)

Bread-stickin' it to the man!

2010-06-05T12:52:00.000-07:00

I'm not a baker at all. I love to cook, but baking has never been my forte unless it is in casserole form. You do not want to eat my cookies. Trust me on this. For my brownies, proceed with caution. Pies I will never try - likely, because I'm not a big fan of pie in the first place. And don't even get me started on cake. However, I have been longing for a good, soft, homemade breadstick from my own oven.

I've made a few attempts at baking breadsticks at home so that I don't have to buy them, but I still haven't found a recipe that is "the one." Here's a log of what I've tried so far.

The first recipe I adapted from a soft pretzel recipe from my great aunt Clara...

Aunt Clara's Soft Pretzels
2 packages dry yeast
1 1/2 cups warm water
1 teaspoon salt
4 cups all-purpose flour
1 egg, beaten
rock salt for topping

Preheat oven to 425o. Mix yeast and water in a small bowl. Add sugar and salt. Add flour and mix until smooth. Turn dough out onto a floured surface. Knead the dough on the floured surface. Cut off pieces and form into long rolls. Shape rolls into pretzel shapes. Brush the pretzel with egg and then sprinkle with rock salt. Bake for 12-15 minutes.

This recipe is fantastic for soft pretzels (they were a big hit at one of Vivian's preschool class parties, and will almost certainly be subject to more experimentation this summer), but not exactly ideal for breadsticks. Acceptable, but not ideal. I need something softer. So I try something else.

I follow a cooking blog for moms co-written by one of my college friends, so I thought I'd do a keyword search and see what I could come up with there. I was in a hurry, so I didn't have a lot of time to search around for different recipes, and I needed to find a recipe that called for ingredients I already had on hand. I found a recipe for pizza dough that also mentioned use as a breadstick dough. So here's my altered version...

Adapted Breadstick Dough
3 1/4 cups flour
1 1/4 cup warm water
2 1/4 teaspoons dry yeast (one packet)
1 tablespoon honey
1 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 tablespoons olive oil

Preheat oven to 350o. In a small bowl, combine warm water and honey. Add yeast to the warm water/honey mixture and let is sit for a few minutes. As the blog says, "take that time to clean off your counter top." Love it!

In a medium bowl, combine flour and salt. Once the yeast mixture is foamy, add it to the flour mixture. Add olive oil and mix until the ingredients are completely combined. Again, from the blog, adding a bit of olive oil to your hands will help in mixing the dough and moisturize your skin at the same time.

Here's my jumping off point...

I divided the dough in half so I could try my hand at some "dessert" breadsticks, too. In one portion, I added chopped herbs picked fresh from my herb garden - oregano, basil, and italian parsley (about 1/4 cup altogether).

To the other half, I added about 1 1/2 teaspoons of cinnamon and a few dashes of allspice.

Now, back on the original recipe for a step or two...

Knead the dough until you can form it into a nice round ball (about 10 minutes). Place the dough into a bowl and cover it with a towel. Let is rise for about 45 minutes.

After I let the dough rise, I rolled them out into breadsticks and baked them on separate sheets for about 10 mins. While they started baking, I went to work on the mixtures I would use to "baste" the breadsticks.

Here's where it gets dangerous. I'm a "little bit of this, little bit of that" cook. I don't measure anything once I reach the afore-mentioned jumping off point. I just start tossing stuff in until it tastes right. So forgive me as I guesstimate the measurements from memory from here on out...

For the herbed breadsticks, I chose a parmesan topping. I added a heap of grated parmesan cheese (aka, "stinky cheese" in our house) to 3 tablespoons of melted butter. I have no idea how much a heap really is, but it was enough to soak up most of the melted butter. I also stirred in a teaspoon of garlic salt and a teaspoon of dehydrated onions.

For the cinnamon breadsticks, I was thinking "buttered toast," so I went with about a tablespoon each of cinnamon and sugar in 2 tablespoons of melted butter.

At the end of the 10 minutes, I rotated the pans and switched racks, basted the breadsticks, and put them back in for another 5 mins or so until they were a nice golden brown.

Here's the result:

The herbed breadsticks. I think I shall call them "warty sticks" in honor of their bumpy, parmesany goodness.

The cinnamon breadsticks. They are scrum-diddly-upmtious.

I'm still looking for just the right recipe, but I think I'm on the right track. However, having rediscovered my great aunt Clara's soft pretzel recipe along the way, I think this summer's going to be great for my own version of baked goodies, so STAY TUNED!!

Facing My Own Hate

2010-01-21T15:15:00.000-08:00

"If No One Will Listen" by Keri Noble
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8aheua9SJlo

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think there's enough that you would drown?

If no one will listen, If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you, For what you really are
I will be here still. I will be here still

No one can take you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you will find there
And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
It's screaming every step, "Just stay here!"

If no one will listen, If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you, For what you really are
I will be here still. I will be here still

If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate

If no one will listen, If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you, For what you really are
I will be here still. I will be here still

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I promised myself that I would spend this year working on me, and last week I think I hit the lowest point in my journey to date in an effort to do just that. I was planning on - in my own time - tracking down that giant lurking on the horizon. But the tables have turned and now I stand staring it in the face. Staring me in the face. And I'm more terrified than I have ever been.

When I first decided I would spend time working on me, I thought that I'd deal with some of the easier stuff first - indulgence, impulsiveness, pride, stuff like that. Instead, I'm gazing at my own reflection in the mirror...literally. Whilst folding laundry, of all things, that damn giant attacked me. There was no warning, no time to dodge it, nothing really to provoke it. It just came raining down on me like a ton of bricks.

It is my own image of myself that has me paralyzed. I have never had a positive self-image, especially in regard to my own body. I've never been comfortable in my own skin. I've never been comfortable having discussions with other people about weight or beauty. And truth be told, I have no idea how to fix it. I only know that the more I dig, the more self-doubt and self-hate I find. And it already feels like I'm drowning. If this is just the beginning, I'm so afraid of what else I'm going to find.

I have no resolutions or amazing testimony, as this fight is just beginning. I do know that the things I've been using to fill this void - humor, alcohol, sex, anger - are only delaying the inevitable. I have to keep digging at this and it is something that I have to do myself. No one else can do it for me. As the song says, the fear inside of me screams "just stay here" because I know that this hurts less now that it will later. But I have found that my fists are raw & red. My heart is bruised and beaten by my own hand.

I don't want to be gray. I don't want to settle. I don't want to be filled with this self-hatred anymore. As much as I want people to love me for me, I realize that I have to be able to do that first. I may be strong in a lot of areas, but the reality is that it's all just a mask. And when I face myself, there are no masks. I can't hide from myself. I see all my flaws, all my imperfections, all my heartaches. I see how I've let go of my compass. I've let go of my God. And I've let go of people who truly know me and accept me for who I am in exchange for walls that I've built and people who only see what I want them to see. I've deteriorated to the point that now I can only see what I want me to see.

So, anyway, that's what's going on right now.

Looking Forward In the Rear View Mirror - Year 1

2009-12-31T08:15:00.000-08:00

from "Taking the Long Way" by the Dixie Chicks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtqwL-ZPhAA

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wow, what a year it has been in my crazy, twisted little world. Just a few long months ago, I set out on a giant-slaying mission that has left me battered, exhausted, confused, lost, sore, and wanting. Words cannot even begin to express what is going on in my mind these days; so most days, I don't use them. I've made some fantastic progress in the removal of toxic people in my life, but I'm also finding myself mending a few fences after tromping them down as this year winds to a close.

Traditionally, I'm really not much of a "New Year's Resolutions" kind of gal. I tend to at least make an attempt to develop myself year-long and use the end of the year to make amends where I see that they're needed; reflect on the positive things that have happened; learn from the negative; and keep working on the same goal set I already had in place. But this year is feeling a lot different....

I slayed a large proportion of giants that I had previously relied upon for guidance, accountability, sounding boards, etc. In the board room of my life, these were the VPs of my development. As I spend this late time of the year reflecting, I see that it's time for me to hold a job fair. These slain relationships had degenerated into manipulative, self-serving drains on the pillars I've held so dear for so long. I was afraid to take the first step, but dear God, I am sooooo glad I did. But even more interesting is that I've found that I may need to rethink my pillars. So many of the core characteristics I've used to identify the real me have come from other sources.

Now that I've fired my board of directors, I'm forced to make decisions for myself. I keep getting reminded that I need to think about what it is that *I* want. But I'm not usually sure what that would (or should) be these days. I've been fighting all these outside forces and influences for so long, that I've totally lost sight of who I am. In slaying these giants, I've met myself many times in battle, sometimes disguised as another giant just over the horizon. And I see me as a stranger, and at times, looking quite forsaken.

I feel a lot like the Runaway Bride. At one point, Ike (Richard Gere) tells Maggie (Julia Roberts) that she's so lost, she doesn't even know how she likes her eggs (she only orders them the way her fiance ju jour does). Eventually, once she sees that he's right, she sits down to a platter with eggs made any way you can imagine, tries them all, and decides she likes eggs benedict and that she really hates all the other kinds. Well, that would be me right about now. (And for the record, I will ONLY eat eggs that are scrambled hard - brown - with ketchup...feel free to add any veggies you'd like. Leave the milk out of the eggs, but I do require buttered white toast or the whole thing is off. The use of bacon grease is optional.)

I know that there are giants still to be dealt with in the coming year, and I know what a few of them are. Greater still are the giants yet unidentified, I'm sure. But I feel like my focus over the next several months will be less on slaying giants and more on finding and growing me for me. That may sound selfish, but I feel like I am over due.

~ I want to experience what is out there to be experienced without feeling guilty.
~ I want to lose the 15 lbs. that I've gained since this journey began because I want to be proud of my body, not so self-conscious all the time.
~ I want to get my nose pierced because...well...because it's something I've always wanted to do.
~ I want to work on developing a new board of advisors, not directors, for my life. I have very few relationships left with any real depth. This is going to take quite a bit of time, but I'm just going to have to nut up and do it. So I will.
~ I want to find joy in life once again rather than constantly being frustrated by it.
~ I want to be able to be honest with people, especially with myself.

It's taken me a very long time to get here, and there's a lot still to do. I have spent a lot of time feeling very lonely and questioning whether finding my real self is going to be worth it all in the end. But I think of the me that I was some 10 or so years ago and wonder why I ever let her go. I have never done things the easy way and I've never quite been like anybody else, so maybe that's why I am taking the long way 'round.

Happy Birthday Vivian

2009-12-09T19:41:00.000-08:00

"Sing, Mary, Sing" by Jennifer Knapp
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ve1ZRi_jN6Q

Mary Had A Baby Born In A Manger
Mary What To Do, Mary What To Do?
Before The Vow Was Made, In Her Belly Laid The King

Sing Mary, Sing. Lullaby The King
Born To Be Our Pardon, No Longer Shall We Weep
Come Soften What Was Hardened Girl
Sing Mary, Sing!

Herod With A Vision Out With A Vengeance
Mary What To Do, Mary What To Do?
Flee To Galilee, Raise Your Baby King Of Kings

Mary In Your Mourning, Turn Now As You Weep
Look To See A Savior, O, Sing Mary, Sing!
Sing Mary, Sing!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disclaimer: There are many people out there who make it their lifes' mission to decry the very thought of hospital births under the guise that their jabs somehow empower women to deliver their babies via alternative methods. Unfortunately, their efforts often (and often unknowingly) only lead to hurt feelings, anguish, guilt, and more fury on the part of the mother to whom they are speaking. Don't get me wrong, I do plan to deliver baby #3 (whenever that may be) at home with the assistance of a midwife. However, my reasons for doing so are far different than your typical homebirth missionaries. However, and perhaps most importantly, those individuals often fail to see how God uses these experiences to His glory; providing an amazing testimony for the mothers who choose to seek His face over the rantings of granola munchers. This is one such testimony...

Four years ago today, this date fell on a Friday. I spent the afternoon alone at home awaiting the arrival of my inlaws. They had assembled and were making the long trek north to be with Ed and I as we welcomed our first child into the world. As I waited, I sat at the computer playing games and listening to a lullaby playlist that I made for our new arrival as I had over and over again throughout the pregnancy. But this time it was different.

I sat singing to the baby in my womb, tears of anger and shame streaming down my face. This was not what I had planned. This was not what I wanted. This was not how it was supposed to happen. In less than 24 hours, I would be reporting to the hospital to begin an induced labor.

When I had gone for my checkup that Wednesday afternoon, my OB - who figured me to be 40 1/2 weeks - informed me that I would be induced that Saturday if I didn't deliver on my own before then. My heart broke. I tried to object, but there were simply no words when I opened my mouth and Ed wasn't with me to help. Here's what my mind said about induced labor: induction --> prolonged labor with more severe contractions --> increased likelihood of epidural --> greatly increased likelihood of c-section. Statistically, my mind was right. Add to that the fact that I KNEW my real due date was not for at least another week. I can count to 40 weeks, and after 3 years of trying I knew exactly when I conceived. Under no circumstances would I allow epidural pain management to enter my birth plan. My brain was telling me that I had failed at having a vaginal birth before I ever set foot in the hospital.

When I got to the car, I called Ed and broke down into tears right away. I was so upset and ashamed that I couldn't bring myself to go back to the office to finish my work that day...or for the rest of the week. Ed took the afternoon off and took me home to rest. For the next 3 days, I was a complete wreck - crying at the slightest thought of what was to come.

It took us 3 years to get Vivian, and Lord knows it wasn't for a lack of trying that it took so long. We closed on the purchase of our first house on March 30th, 2005 at 10am. During the closing and the final walk-through the night before, we were taunted by the phrase "new house, new baby" but I didn't want to get into my fertility frustrations with these strangers.

After running some errands that day, we went to Target so that I could buy the perfect welcome mat for our new home. On a whim, I bought a pregnancy test. Having failed so many over the previous months & years, I decided to go for the value pack (3 tests) so that I could have spares on hand. I wasn't even late yet and I really felt no different than I did any other day, but for some reason, I heard God telling me, "go ahead...try it." At 4:00 that afternoon, I peed on a stick and finally saw the 2 pink lines that I longed to see for so long. But by then, I was exhausted from the day's activities and had only an hour to rest before teaching Caravans at church that night. My Caravans kids were almost as excited as Ed & I were.

How perfect God's timing is. We would be celebrating the first Christmas in our new house with our new baby! He is so faithful to us. Thoughts of the excitement Mary surely felt as she carry the new King in her belly raced through my heart and my mind throughout the pregnancy. I couldn't help but put myself in her shoes.

My first trimester was laden with nausea and exhaustion. I remember being at my wit's end one day and praying aloud, "Lord, lift this burden from me!" Guess what? He answered my prayer. I woke up the next morning and everything was GONE! In fact, I'd never felt better! And I suppose as all first-time moms experience, I started getting nervous after a few weeks of feeling completely normal. Since I only saw my OB once every 4 weeks at that point, I started to worry. So I asked God to remind me that I was still pregnant and that the baby was fine. I was immediately blessed with a week of nausea and exhaustion worse than any I had experienced in my first trimester. I got the picture - He was being faithful to me; I need only to be faithful to Him. I never asked Him to do that again.

The remainder of my pregnancy was full of energy. I cooked, I cleaned, I worked, I decorated, I gardened, yadda yadda yadda. Everything was perfect. Then a dear friend of mine lost a baby at 24 weeks gestation. Again, my nerves and my faith were shaken. But the Lord spoke peace to my brain and strength to my heart. "Be faithful to me and I will be faithful to you."

Before we knew it, we were in lamaze class. I was surprised to find that - of the 4 or 5 other couples in lamaze with us - I was the only one who opposed any and all pain meds during labor. But I knew my body, I knew how stubborn I was, I knew that I could focus, I knew that Ed would be my perfect partner in this process. If I am faithful to Him, He will be faithful to me. I will labor through the pain and I will succeed.

It was my plan to work right up until the day I had the baby. But on Sunday, Dec. 4th, I had an encounter with dear, sweet Mother Richards in the fellowship hall after church. Think what you will, but I know that Mother Richards has been blessed with the gift of prophesy. She asked me when I would begin staying home to rest up for this baby. When I told her my plans, she shook her head slowly and in her booming Caribbean voice, told me that I needed to spend 3 days at home with my feet up; resting up for the baby that God has blessed us with. I smiled and nodded in the most polite way that I could, knowing that I would do it my way anyway. After all, I was faithful to Him, so He was going to be faithful to me.

Three days later was the OB appointment that changed all of that. God has a way of making things happen His way when we get too caught up in our own plans. I spent the next 3 days at home with nothing else to do but put my feet up and rest for this new baby. But it wasn't the plan that I had made. I was wrought with worry, fear, anger, frustration, disappointment, and confusion. And the only thing I could do about it was cry. So I did. For 3 days.

My inlaws wouldn't arrive until dinnertime that night and I wasn't quite sure how I would face them. I felt a self-imposed shame that I simply could not overcome. Around 3:00 in the afternoon that Friday, I had one last breakdown. I got down on my knees and wept and pleaded for God to take me away from this situation; that somehow He could start my labor so that I could avoid this whole mess. I was desperate and this was my last chance.

Then I felt the Lord speak to me again, "I have been faithful to you throughout this entire pregnancy. Everything you have asked for, I have done. I need you to be faithful to me now. I have put you here for a reason. I have given you this doctor for a reason. I have chosen this time for a reason. Peace, be still." And, just as each time before, I felt a great peace. My soul had been refreshed and with it came confidence, excitement, and joy. I was able to greet my family with my head high.

My labor was completely fake: my water was broken, I was given low doses of pitocin which produced textbook contractions...every 3-5 minutes for 8 hours, but with no progress. I did finally give in to one dose of Stadol to take the edge off so that I could take a 2 hour nap. But when the drugs wore off, I was back at it and fighting. After a total of 14 hours of labor and 20 minutes of pushing, I was greeted by a sweet little girl. Her name would be Vivian. And when it was all over, I felt like I could do it again.

Even in giving me a girl, God has shown His faithfulness. I wanted a boy so desperately, but we refused to find out the gender of the baby before the delivery. I didn't think that I would know how to raise a girl, as I am not the Barbie-doll-playing, make-up-wearing type. But in His faithfulness, I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter that has a bright mind, a strong soul, and a love for the same outdoorsy stuff that I do.

While I can't claim that I've birthed our Savior, my heart certainly sings as Mary's. It is with great joy that we will celebrate Vivian's 4th birthday tomorrow. Time has certainly flown by. But in this time, I can't help but think of Mary's role as a mother, raising and training her child. The pride she must have felt with each of her darling son's achievements tempered by the sacrifice He would make. I know that Vivian will experience pain in her life - we all do at some point. It breaks my heart a little to think of it, but I know that if she is faithful to Him, He will be faithful to her.

I Am From (Thank You Cindy)

2009-11-20T12:15:00.000-08:00

I am from a hardworking family with firm values and a sense of responsibility to each other.

I am from a small town with a big heart; where people help each other because it's the right thing to do. I hold the fictional key to the city, and when I come home, I'm greeted by old faces saying, "look, the mayor's back!"

I am from getting sunburned after spending a hot summer day at the pool, playing with my friends and eating candy...then going back the next day to do it all over again.

I am from a fun-loving, hard-fighting summer softball team, playing with determination through deplorable heat and dirty antics to reach our goal.

I am from big holiday gatherings at Grandpa Fields' house with all my aunts, uncles, and cousins; with corny word games and the best broccoli and cheese soup you'll ever taste; dreaming of a day when I can slide down that banister while, instead, taking a nap on Grandma's old bed.

I am from finding great joy and greater memories in the smallest and simplest of things: a walk in the woods, a fruitless fishing trip, an afternoon on a jet ski, a day at the range, a saturday on the couch playing video games, a kiss from my children.

I am from rules that must be made and yearn to be broken...and I am happy to comply with that request.

I am from an inner strength that cannot be explained nor defined; finding peace in late nights, fun in beautiful days, and wandering in my mind.

I am from a frame of mind that says I'll do anything once, and if I like it, I'll do it again. So go ahead and double-dog dare me!

I am from a place where Santa Claus is real and the Easter Bunny is just a few months away.

I am from the farm, having just spent the morning in a tree stand with nothing to see but a peaceful snowfall.

I am from a place where the music is always good, it's always loud, and it always moves me.

I am from the Hand of the One who knit me together in His image; the tears and the blood of the One who died for me and dies for me still.

I am from an altar that is always open; tears in constant flow as my Maker continues to break me for my own good.

It's Gonna Be Alright

2009-10-26T12:04:00.000-07:00

"More Time" by needtobreathe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sy0fIyongdI

I promised you the world again, Everything within my hands
All the riches one could dream, They will come from me

I hoped that you could understand
That this is not what I had planned
Please don’t worry now, It will turn around

Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside

I hoped that you could understand
That this is not what I had planned
Please don’t worry now, It will turn around

Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside
So say alright
Cause I know we can make it if we try
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine

We’re off to new lands - So hold on to my hands
It’s gonna be alright
It’s a whole lot brighter - So stand by the fire
It’s gonna be alright
Yeah, the road gets harder - But it’s not much farther
It’s gonna be alright
You know that it ain’t easy - Please believe me
It’s gonna be alright

Please don’t worry now, It will turn around

Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside
So say alright
Cause I know we can make it if we try
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's never been a secret to those who know me that I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself. I tend to set my expectations quite high, then become incredibly frustrated when I finally admit that I just can't do it. My "about me" section on my facebook profile says: "I'm pretty much everything to everyone all the time. I don't always like it that way, but I have a hard time of letting go of it too." Nothing could be more true about me.

The more I listen to this song, the more I hear myself in a desperate attempt to delay the inevitable. I have heaped unreasonable amounts of guilt upon myself over the past year and a half out of some completely unjustifiable notion that I don't deserve to leap from a comfort zone that has become dreadfully uncomfortable and pursue something new with the vigor for life that God Himself bestowed within me. I have been bound by fears of how making changes in my life would burden my husband, my children, our finances, etc. I looked at them - and myself - as adversaries in this growth process. I just need more time to be able to do all of these things on my own. Just a few more months, and we'll be fine. I'll be fine. Just a few more months. Just keep plugging along. Just...more time.

It's been a while since I've blogged. I can point to two reasons right off hand. The first being that I simply wasn't sure what I was thinking, what I was feeling, or what I was doing. If I can't articulate it in my own mind, then writing about it seemed an insurmountable task.

The second factor is that I've managed to derail a number of relationships with people I've trusted and relied upon for encouragement, direction, challenges, serious conversation, and sounding boards. You might say that I got a little carried away in slaying giants over the summer... including a few benevolent giants. Granted, I managed to slay a number of other not-so-well-meaning giants too, but it sometimes feels like I've done more harm than good.

But again, these things take time. And it's been time that I have very much needed. It's taken time for me to accept that choosing a new role as wife and mother staying at home over that of a career woman is not weakness. It is not giving in. It is not failing. It is not unimportant. It is quite the contrary and it is quite worthwhile.

These days, having finally come to terms with the Mommy Giant, I can't but get drawn in by the inspiring words near the end of the song. When I think about my relationship with my husband and the challenges we've chosen to take on together, these phrases come to mind. I can see us hand in hand, tromping off to new lands together, encouraging each other and lifting each other as we go. As the road gets harder and harder, we hold on tighter and tighter, knowing it's gonna be alright...because we believe in each other. We believe in us. We believe in our family. We believe in where God is leading us. We believe in where God has brought us.

I don't have to do this on my own. I don't have to keep asking for more time. I don't have to keep worrying about the burden I think I may be. I don't have to run from failure. I don't have to guess what others are thinking. So what if this is not what I had planned? So what if it ain't easy? It's gonna be alright.

Where I am Today...

2009-08-12T19:57:00.000-07:00

What follows is the result of a 15-second "Color Quiz" I took at a random website. This is eerily accurate...

Erin's Existing Situation

Feeling dissatisfied in her current situation and has a strong desire to escape or find an immediate solution.

Erin's Stress Sources

"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Erin's Restrained Characteristics

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Giving more than she is getting back and feels misunderstood and unappreciated. Feels she is being forced into compromising and even her close relationships leave her feeling emotional distant.

"Willing to become emotionally involved because she feels isolated and alone. she tries to avoid conflict and disagreements, but her arrogance leads her to quickly take offense."

Erin's Desired Objective

Lives life to the fullest. Has a high energy level and is always on the go. she is very active and her actions often lead to success.

Erin's Actual Problem

"Enjoys making new plans and goals, but needs to be respected and admired for the things she accomplishes."

I am a 20,000# Pro Stock Semi

2009-07-20T18:25:00.000-07:00

Starting with my very first blog post, it was very clear to me that family is one of my most important pillars. I just wasn't sure exactly how to go about putting it into words. I lacked a clear grasp on the ability to articulate the complicated stronghold that is my family.

My family has never really been a very close, outwardly-affectionate group of people. Abounding hugs and kisses were not the norm back then. That's probably what makes the Fields family dynamic such an interesting thing to observe these days. It's amazing how grandchildren change a person's general attitude and behaviors and opens them up.

What my parents and extended family did give me is an incredible grasp of right and wrong; abundant consideration for the elderly; a strong sense of community and roots; and - above all - pride and respect for who I am and where I come from. That the little things are what make life worth while. That you don't need an exotic vacation halfway around the world to find peace and rest (though those trips are nice too). That I am, and will always be, a redneck at heart.

Last night I took in a tractor pull at the county fair. It was the first tractor pull I've seen in about 6 years. When I was a kid, our family would make a summer sojourn to the Indiana State Fair. It was always the middle of August, and the weather was always oppressively hot and humid. To save money, Mom always fry a chicken the night before and cold pack it in a cooler with potato salad and some Big K soda from Kroger. In my opinion that is, by far, the absolute *worst* way eat fried chicken. To this day, I cannot and will not eat cold chicken. At all. Ever. Never, ever, ever.

I wanted so desperately to have a giant polish sausage from the fair. You know the kind: you can smell them as soon as you set foot on the fairgrounds; the aroma of the sauteed onions and peppers wafting through the heavy air, begging your tastebuds to shell out $7.50 for 12" of heaven on a bun. And here we were eating cold fried chicken in the hot sun in August. Yuck.

Now that I am a parent, I completely see the value of packing a lunch for such day trips. Although I will NEVER make my kids eat cold fried chicken. At the very worst, my kids will look back on their childhoods with a deeply rooted aversion to capri sun and peanut butter & jelly sandwiches from a baggie in the Soldier Field parking garage before entering the aquarium for the afternoon.

At any rate, the timing of our trip to the State Fair hinged upon the scheduled activities at the sport strip. As far as Dad was concerned, the only real reason for hauling the family into Indy was for the tractor pull. We'd tromp all over the fairgrounds checking out the livestock and expo halls on the south side of the grounds, have our cold chicken picnic at the car, then head for the north side of the fairgrounds for the rest of the day. I like to go see all the livestock, but the north side of the fairgrounds was always my favorite. They had displays from the DNR with various types of freshwater fish that can be found in Indiana's lakes and streams; steam-powered engines doing everything from popping popcorn to splitting wood; clown shows; cleaner bathrooms; shade; helicopter rides; and, of course, the dirt track (aka the sport strip). To my young mind, this was all so fascinating and exciting.

We'd see everything we could, then line up on the hot metal bleachers at the sport strip and watch these modified farm implements shoot flames and smoke rings out of their exhaust pipes as they screamed down the track. At the ages of 8 and 9, my sister and I found it quite necessary to cover our ears the whole time, but boy did we love shouting, "FULL PULL!" for the few who made it the 300+ feet to the other end. I still get giddy just thinking about it.

All of that excitement came rushing back last night as I stood outside the dirt track's fence watching these souped-up farm tractors, pickups, and semi-chassis sling dirt behind them and spewing their thick, black, exhaust in the air. I think I was the only female my age within viewing distance, but goodness, how I loved it. And I wanted so much for my Dad and my brother to be there watching with us.

I wanted even more for Vivian to get just as excited over these loud machines as I did as a child; but, alas, she was not interested. Clara, on the other hand, wanted to see everything that was going on around her. That gives me hope as I look at these types of events as the experiences that I want to pass along to my children. We've had a busy year: bluegrass festival, county fair with tractor pull and petting zoo, aquarium, Cabela's, mushroom hunting, campfires, and Viv's stay-cation at Mamaw and Papaw's house. In two weeks, I'll add a school bus figure 8, combine demo, and another tractor pull to the list...maybe even a rodeo.

Bumpkin or not, these are the things I love and I have my family to thank for it. Just watch a Pro Stock Semi pulling a 20,000# sled 275.14 feet. If that doesn't get your water boilin', your pilot light is out.

Ok, So What's Next on the List?

2009-06-14T22:58:00.000-07:00

Miranda Lambert - "Desperation"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5WQmKLp_c0

Throw a dog a bone I'll take it if I have to
Go real fast like there's somewhere we can get to
What's the use of standing right there on the edge if there ain't nowhere to fall
What's the use in hanging on tight to the phone if nobody might call

Desperation - there's danger in frustration

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Quick Note: If I've been tagging you in these blogs and you would prefer that I don't, just send a note to my inbox. Otherwise, I'll just assume you're sticking with me for the long haul here and keep tagging away. Either way, it's cool with me.

A well-timed call from my absolute best friend in the whole wide world a few weeks ago prompted this next revelation. With it came a new sense of purpose along with a new set of frustrations.

I've been making so many changes and trying so many new things in all directions that I haven't really assessed the results yet. Some of the things I've tried - mostly little silly, but fun, things - have been great. They've given me a new energy, a fresh outlook, and have provided a little spunk and spark to daily life. New haircuts, going out w/friends on a Saturday night, shopping for myself once in a while.

Other things have not quite turned out the way I'd hoped. And that's okay - you don't know unless you try. So, I'm undoing a couple of things that just aren't the real me. I ended my vacation in Brazil early. I'm going back to some of my usual music choices. I'm getting back to raising and training my children the way that *Ed and I* want to raise them, not the way some book tells me I should do it. (When did I decide *that* was a good idea? Somebody slap me, please!)

So I've spent approximately the past 18 agonizing months trying to break free of the chains that have held me down. I've yearned to feel free and to be happy, but have felt like a caged bird. I broke the first - and toughest - of those chains when I changed jobs 9 months ago. I thought that a change of venue would bring back that thrill of the hunt that was missing from my selling career and I could get back to being what I thought was my normal self again...

...Not so much. I'm really struggling with the career thing right now. I don't really like what I do at all. It has nothing to do with the people I work with or work for, and it has very little to do with what I sell. The worst part is that I just can't make peace with the fact that I'm not happy doing what I'm doing. I don't want to face it without having Plan B waiting in the wings and I don't have a Plan B. It's extremely frustrating and is starting to play itself out in my day-to-day activities at work. I'm just not interested in what I'm doing. At all. For a commission-based career, that's a dangerous place to be - especially in this economy with mouths to feed and bills to pay.

This is the giant that I simply don't want to face. Most likely because I don't know how to face it. Everything else to this point has been fairly cut and dry. I feel God tugging at me to make a move, but I don't know where or how or when or what that move looks like. This is the daily discomfort. I'm not exactly sure what I'm most afraid of here, though there are some heavy-hitters on the list. In the interest of brevity, I won't list them right now, but feel free to inquire.

Ultimately, I know that I just need to be still and wait. That the right doors will open for me at the right times. In the meantime, I just have to make the best of the situation that I'm in and that, eventually, things will fall into place. I have to guard myself from desperation and the inherent danger in feeling unfulfilled so as not to make a rash decision that I'll regret later. Lord knows I do enough of that already.

Falling in Love Again

2009-06-12T22:53:00.000-07:00

"It Must Be Love" by Madness
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goPxm-ftrko

I never thought I'd miss you, Half as much as I do
And I never thought I'd feel this way, The way I feel, About you.

As soon as I wake up, Every night, every day
I know that it's you I need, To take the blues away

It must be love, love, love
It must be love, love, love
Nothing more, nothing less, Love is the best

How can it be that we can, Say so much without words?
Bless you and bless me, Bless the bees And the birds
I've got to be near you, Every night, every day
I couldn't be happy, Any other way

It must be love, love, love...

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As I leave behind the crappy things in the past, I'm finding it necessary to pick up the best things that I may have forgotten about. Like falling in love with my husband. Life was so much simpler then - or at least that's how it seems with rose colored glasses. :o) So I thought I'd throw together a quick list of some of my favorite memories of our young love. I hope some of you that read this feel encouraged to do the same thing. Reminisce with your spouse about the early days, the hard days, the "what the hell were we thinking" days. Fall in love again with your spouse.

My 10 favorite memories, in order:
1a. The first date from hell and the love that almost wasn't
1b. "He kissed my hand!" and the photo of him at the banquet by himself
2a. Walking down the aisle, standing at the altar, Ed gently rubbing the back of my hands with his thumbs while the congregation sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness"
2b. The look on his face when I whispered, "I'm not wearing a bra" at the same altar.
3. Waking up the night Vivian was born to find Ed still peering at the baby in the bassinet next to his chair, doting over his new "Precious." I don't think he slept at all that night.
4. My yellow gold engagement ring...because that's what HIS mom has.
5. Dog wearing hunting boots
6. Finding roses in the drivers' seat of my car after I had a really bad day at work.
7. "Walking" at Perry Farm
8. Getting busted for making out in the Red Room by my RD even though we had never kissed.
9. Hours spent playing Gameboy in the quad.
10. Reality setting in the first night in our first apartment after we got married...dutch oven!

To Those I'm Leaving Behind...

2009-06-10T21:56:00.000-07:00

In this journey I've been taking, I've had lots of opportunity to reflect on mistakes of my past. I've examined the people that I've allowed into my life and the influence I've permitted them to have in my life. God has blessed me with a number of individuals and situations that have brought me great joy, much growth, true friendship, and abounding love.

Then there are others. Others that maybe God placed along my path to challenge my beliefs, test my fortitude, etc. Unfortunately, in my encounters with some of these individuals, I failed to stand strong in who I am and cling to the pillars of my being. It is not my belief that this was the work or the doing of the Lord. In fact, I believe it was quite the opposite.

Upon looking at those less-than-stellar performances of mine, I've experienced disappointment, frustration, anger, and even hatred. As I work to delete these toxic relationships from my life, I am often tempted to confront these people with great contempt and launch into some tirade about how they've wronged me and the pain and suffering they've caused me; to seek out some kind of vengeance by letting them know exactly what I think of them and how despicable they are. But, alas, that is not the way. There's no growth or strength in that. It is the coward's way.

What I can and will do, however, is bid farewell to those people and things of the past and move on. I've learned a lot about myself and my weaknesses these past few months. Some things I'm certainly not proud of, but what's done is done. And, now, so am I.

What follows here is an address to some of those isituations. I know that those who inspired this may never see or hear these words - and that is okay. This is more for my own feeling of release and in the name of accountability to my future growth - knowing that I am as much to blame as anyone else here. At the same time, I think it is obvious to see how Satan can sneak in and suck the life and joy out of anything and anyone if we give him even just the slightest amount of room to do so.

How dare you spread lies about my family, my well-being and my motivations? How dare you insult my friendship and hard work by dragging my good name through the mud because I refused to keep carrying out your disgusting little schemes? I mistakenly put my heart and soul into building something I believed in and sacrificed quality time with my husband and children, my own personal happiness, and friendships that never were; only to have you demolish and pervert all of that hard work for your own greedy, selfish, disgusting whims. For that, I cannot forgive you. But I will leave you behind.

How dare you delve into the darkest, most secret corners of my mind and nearly tear me away from the one thing that is truest of all in my life? I'm hurt that I let you take advantage of my heart's fragile stagnation. You exposed a weakness in me that I never knew existed. You set off a chain of events that have caused both pain and excitement; growth and regression; leaps of faith and pools of shame. I will always have a wall causing me to second-guess the motivations of others and, most of all, myself. But I will never again look back on that temptation. I will leave it behind.

How dare you taint the greatest memories of peace and joy a woman will ever know? How dare you plant in my mind and in my heart anything that would detract from the grandest accomplishments I will ever experience? You've hurt me to my very core by giving me any reason to reflect on those experiences as anything other than pure blessings of the highest calling. I may never be able to overcome the hurt you've inflicted, but for robbing me of that great joy and others since, I can no longer confide in you. I will work daily to leave it behind.

How dare you ruin the innocence of a young girl when you yourself were not yet a man? How dare you strike such fear and shame into my life at such a young age? You are responsible for all of the mistrust and loathing I feel for your kind. It is your fault that I cried the first time. It is you who has caused me to question the genuineness of others. You are a sick, disgusting individual and I pray for the safety of your own children. And while I'd like to see you rot in hell, I know that my God will someday call you to account for all you have done in your life as He will someday call me to do. Thus, I am leaving you behind.

How dare you take my best friend away from me? How dare you rob two great parents of yet another child, leaving their marriage a wreck and one child behind to navigate her parents' grief at losing a second of their three children? You, who brought me through so many trials and emotions and victories in the past, took away the one person who I could truly connect with on this earth. Never before and never since have I been more confounded, confused, and lost. I felt betrayed. But you brought me another to help fill the place of companionship that she had prepared. You've weathered the storms with me and guide my steps even today to overcome the oceanic tides of loss and suffering. So I will leave that grief behind.

For Vivian & Clara

2009-06-03T19:25:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had a terrifying nightmare. My daughter had been taken and the most horrible, unspeakable things happened to her at the hand of her abductor. I dreamt of the policeman notifying me that they found her body. I lost all control. Dreams have a strange way of convincing you that imaginary things are really happening. I awoke in a sweat and immediately went to check on the girls and I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. I could only dwell on the one time have I been *more* terrified...

A couple of weeks before I had Clara, I dreamt that we were on a family hiking trip. For whatever reason, Vivian was on the trail in only a diaper and we were walking along a rocky ledge far above the ground. Ed was leading the group and I was following behind Viv. At one point, she had to jump across a gap to the next ledge. I feared for her safety, but she made it across. But some shiny rocks on the ledge caught her eye and as she reached out to show me one, she began to slip away, the ground crumbling beneath her feet. I grasped her wrist, but I couldn't hold on. She screamed out, "Mommy, please don't let me go! Please help me Mommy!" as she fell to the ground far below.

I woke up screaming and crying in a panic. Hysterical doesn't even begin to describe it. It all felt so real and no matter how hard Ed tried to convince me that Vivian was okay, I couldn't calm myself. Even seeing her sleeping peacefully in her bed didn't help. I was absolutely hysterical and I was reminded of that feeling of helplessness last night.

Right or wrong, I covet my children. I live my life for them. Despite frustrations, and tantrums, and the general craziness that comes with having two toddlers; it gives me great joy every day to know that they are depending on me. To know that their love for me is unconditional. To see in them the very beginnings of who they are to become. To see the differences in their wonderful personalities as they develop. To look on them and know that they truly are the most perfect result of the love I have for my husband.

I think that Mommies are blessed with special sight for their childrens' futures. Although we may not always be right, it's fun to ponder...

I've started calling Clara "Frank the Tank." She will be my short stop, my right hitter, my power forward. She will be the one that stays out all night and never calls. She will always cause me heartburn, but we will always share a special bond. Clara is the physical, fast-tempered mini-me.

Vivian will be the chameleon. She will be a goofy socialite when needed, but will steal away to her own private world when things are too overwhelming. She will be the straight-A student and join every club in school. She will be the creative one - though I'm not sure if it will be through music or another form of artistic expression. Vivian is the academic, silly mini-me.

Again, I covet my children and will do everything in my power not to let them down. Ed & I will raise them according to what we have decided is appropriate for our family, not by what some book says we should do. We will raise our family to be respectful, polite, and considerate; but they will also know the importance of having fun and being themselves. They will love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. And they will make us proud in everything they do...in fact, that is already happening.

I love my babies!

Ok, fine. Just be that way. :oP

2009-05-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

"He Knows My Name"

I have a maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hand

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

I have a Father
He calls me his own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

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Patience. Stupid patience. I hate patience. I hate being told to be patient. Did you know that I'm impatient? Do you have any idea how much I hate trying to be patient? It's not what I want to hear, but it is what i need to hear. So thanks Mark & Derick for smacking me in the head with wisdom once again. As much as I hate hearing it, I always know that the blessings God bestows at the end are far greater than I can imagine.

If I really want to put my P.A.I.N. analogy into practice, then I need to be patient...the baby doesn't just pop out instantly (typically). It takes a lot of painful contractions and a lot of time. It takes an intense focus on the end goal. It takes deep breaths of refreshing in between. And it takes the calm, quiet voice of the father to speak peace to your mind and strength to your heart...telling you to relax every tense muscle in your body - one area at a time, to lean on him, to be still and know that he is there, that he will not leave you, nor forsake you. Are you following me here?

I will never forget the Scripture I was given at the altar the day I was saved (Nov. 3, 1996)...Acts 3:19 says, "Repent ye, therefore, and be converted that your sins may be blotted out and times of refreshing come from the presence of the Lord." Think about that...times of refreshing come from the presence of God taking the time to put Himself right in front of me. Wow. Even for a sinner such as I!

Today has been a great day of really pondering the vision God has given me of my family's future. Thinking through the changes I want to make and the consequences that come with them. Things like going back to school to pursue a career change; being prepared to set specific boundaries with family members should we move closer (we're so far away from everyone that boundaries have been unnecessary); doing the little things I need to get done so that I can move forward with the big things on my "here's what I know" list. It's exciting!

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"He is Able"

He is able, more than able
to accomplish what concerns me today.
He is able, more than able
to handle anything that comes my way.
He is able, more than able
to do much more than I could ever dream,
He is able, more than able,
to make me what He wants me to be.

Same as it ever was?

2009-05-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

Verses from "Once in a Lifetime" by the Talking Heads
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw54-rCIrPs

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself: Well...How did I get here?

And you may ask yourself - How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself - Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself - This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself - This is not my beautiful wife!

And you may ask yourself - What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself - Where does that highway lead to?
And you may ask yourself - Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may say to yourself - MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Look at where my hand was - time isn't holding us, time isn't after us

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Have you ever considered completely uprooting your entire life and just starting over somewhere fresh? That's where I am right now. It's not that I want to run away from the giants I'm looking at - or avoiding looking at. It's more a matter of stepping back and looking at where I am and saying "Well, how did I get here?" I am nowhere even remotely resembling where I want to be - geographically, spiritually, financially, physically...

As I'm forming a clearer and clearer picture of my ideal self and an ideal situation for my family, I'm increasingly hesitant and impatient to make the necessary changes at the same time. I don't like it. I'm second-guessing myself, piling on the guilt & pressure, and getting more and more frustrated at the same time.

Here's what I know...

I'm not at home in Illinois. I've spent the last 4 years really trying to make this place my home, but it just isn't. I was raised a redneck and will always be a redneck. No one here gets that and frankly, I'm tired of trying to help them understand it. I need to be around people that accept me for who/what I am, but will respectfully challenge me to be better at the same time.

I don't want to do what I do for a living anymore. Granted, I don't know what I want to do instead, but I know that sales isn't it. This is one of the giants I'm avoiding right now.

I need to surround myself with people who will tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. Right now, I can count 3 people who actually do this on a regular basis and the closest one is 2 hours away. The other 2 are 6 hours away. As an "I"-type personality on the DISC profile, this is unacceptable. I need face time to be happy.

I spent entirely too much of my life under the influence of a manipulative, disgusting, self-absorbed liar. While I learned a lot about selling and reading other people in those 6 years, I also let him eat away at my belief system until I lost my own identity, my priorities, the ability to make decisions on my own, and my perception of reality outside of his. Leaving that situation was a start, but as long as we're in the same town, I'll never truly escape him. I will always be looking over my shoulder.

As a woman, mother, wife, employee, etc., I must first take care of myself before I try to take care of everyone else. Sometimes Mommy's gotta do for Mommy and let everyone else fend for themselves.

I want my children to have the same closeness to their extended family that I had. I lived within 5 blocks of both sets of grandparents. My great-grandparents were 15 minutes away. Thus giving me the benefit of hearing the stories that really are our family history. When the closest family is 2 hours away, this is not possible. This has to change, and the sooner the better.

I know that change hurts, and the pain is not what holds me back. I'm not afraid of pain. I gave birth to my girls with no epidural - and I loved it. I learned in my Lamaze class a handy acronym that I've used in many aspects of my life...

Purposeful - labor pain has a purpose: it brings the birth of the baby. Likewise, pain has a purpose in other aspects of life. Pain sends a message that something is not right and changes may be necessary. Right on!

Anticipated - since you know to expect pain in labor, you are able to prepare yourself ahead of time by learning pain management skills. You know it will end eventually and you know the end result. From the book: "Pain with an explanation is easier to manage than pain with unknown causes." Duh!

Intermittent - labor pain is not continuous as it is with a kidney stone. Women in labor get a break between contractions to rest and regroup. Do you get the analogy?

Normal - labor pain is normal and natural. A woman's body was designed to deliver a baby and pain is necessary to push the baby out. When women "use the pain management skills they've learned, they often report peak experiences of joy and fulfillment as well as an improved view of themselves and their capabilities." Damn straight! Epidurals are for pussies!

Wow, I'm so zen. Anyway...

I was told today that I've taken on a lot over the past 6 weeks...that I'm in the middle of a huge war...that some things take time. I'm sorry, but I'm not satisfied with that. I mean no disrespect and I'm forever gratefull for the support of my friend, and I'm pretty sure I know what he was getting at; but I can't move forward with my day-to-day life until I've settled the above list. The frustration and restlessness of not being able to make the big changes that lay ahead are causing constant pain and - keeping the above in mind - I have to press on to end the pain.

I thought I was afraid or upset about turning 30 next year. I was wrong. As David Byrne says, "Time isn't holding us. Time isn't after us." It's the same as it ever was. What is upsetting is looking at my life and saying, "MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?" Right now, I need an exit strategy.

Music Makes the People Come Together, Music Mix the Bourgeoisie and the Rebel

2009-05-14T23:39:00.000-07:00

So by now everyone should know that I absolutely love music. I can't spend much time without it. I'm always listening in the car, in my kitchen, in my office, out in the yard, on my lawnmower, etc. I can't explain the release I get from a great tune or a great band. All I can say is that it makes me wish I had some kind of musical talent, preferably singing.

In the interest of spreading the gospel of good stuff, I thought I'd share some of my all-time favorite tunes. These are songs I can listen to over and over again and get goosebumps every time. Some have great lyrics, some have great melodies, some have great vocals, and some just speak to me. I hope you'll peruse the list and check out a couple of new things for yourself. Expand your horizons and try something you may not choose on your own. This is a challenge from me to you.

~ Raul Malo, "Every Little Thing About You" - this man's voice and this music are simply intoxicating. it resides at the top of my list of 'go songs.'

~ Etta James, "If I Can't Have You" - if I could sing, this is what I'd want to sound like. This woman's voice is so powerful and so spectacular, it was hard for me to pick just one song. Everyone knows "At Last" and "I Just Wanna Make Love to You," but I strongly encourage you to check out her other stuff. I promise you will not be disappointed.

~ Madness, "Night Boat to Cairo" - excellent instrumentation, you can't go wrong with a strong sax and middle eastern/eastern European melody. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSTHMxBttlU

~ Social Distortion, "Ball and Chain" from Live at the Roxy - who hasn't felt this way? Oh, Mike Ness, you are too awesome for words. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQbe-RtPpKY

~ Johnny Horton, "Whispering Pines" - the godfather of honky tonk goes right for the broken heart. *sigh* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hO4rr_6UHgk

~ The Smiths, "Panic" - for those of us who feel like the ones representing us really don't know what we're about. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AlH2oYedfk

~ Tom T Hall, "Sneaky Snake" - great song from my childhood. You can't listen to this song with your kids without being silly. The whole album (or 8-track as I remember it) is a howl of a good time and has become a favorite in our house even today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MchhtofbgJI

~ Guns N Roses, "Welcome to the Jungle" - as a big GNR fan, it's hard to pick just one, but this absolutely gives me goosebumps everytime I hear it. Who doesn't turn it up when this song comes on?

~ Led Zeppelin, "Battle of Evermore" - I don't know why Stairway to Heaven got so much more acclaim than this song, but it is criminal. Jimmy Page can play anything with strings - just give him a mop then stand back and watch the magic. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4oUJUCDX1s I also happen to get great joy out of "Levee Breaks." It chills to the bone - crank it up. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SuKnafdpMI

~ Jim & Jesse, "Paradise" - Oh sweet, sweet bluegrass, how I do love you so. It's been a privilege of mine to see and meet some of the great pioneers of this grossly under appreciated genre in my teen years. Unfortunately, Jim has passed on, but I'll be seeing Jesse and his band this summer in Bean Blossom. This song begs for a simpler time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DeDWJqvpat0

~ Osborne Brothers, "Ruby Are You Mad" - If you've never heard Sonny Osborne sing this live, his voice echoing through the hills and hollars in southern Indiana, you haven't lived. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhiOaSWuFjU

~ Larry Sparks, "Going Up Home to Live in Green Pastures" - this is the song I want played at my funeral. If you check him out, make sure you take a listen to "John Deere Tractor," "Gospel Train," and "Thank You Lord." He has the bluest voice in bluegrass. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7sZb6Ie0JE

~ Josh Turner, "Softly and Tenderly" - the other song I want at my funeral. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3hOg61q7zg

~ Any country church, "Wonderful Grace of Jesus" - easily my favorite hymn of all time. I was first exposed to this in chapel at Olivet and have been in love ever since. Besides the beautiful vocals, it's just plain fun to sing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKS5MgytW54

~ Alan Jackson, "Midnight in Montgomery" - haunting and beautiful. Alan at his best. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yp3AY4zbRwU

~ Hank Williams Sr., "So Lonesome I Could Cry" - You can't go wrong with Hank. Is there any bluer sound? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hDPMJ5HJ3M

~ Hank Williams Jr., "Country Boy Can Survive" - You can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl. I still crank this up, it still gives me chills, and it still makes me proud to be a redneck. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4s0nzsU1Wg

~ Nine Inch Nails, "Closer" - another one of my 'go songs' this is raw energy. I also like the NIN/Beatles mashup of "Closer" and "Come Together". (edited version link) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4VAv8y2hHM

~ Jennifer Knapp, "Sing Mary Sing" - As a twice-expectant mom at Christmas-time, this song transports me to Mary's time; cherishing the baby in my belly, thinking and hoping and dreaming of his/her future and rejoicing that God has chosen me as the vessel to bring these darling children into the world to raise and love and teach. *cry* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ve1ZRi_jN6Q

Slaying the Next Giant - A Mother's Perogative

2009-05-10T23:45:00.000-07:00

This is an especially difficult note to write as I am actively fighting this one right now. In advance, I must warn you that this contains a lengthy rant. So in the name of privacy, I've selected that only a few people have been allowed to view this note.

In the quest to remove toxic people and toxic situations from my life, it has become even harder to accept that not everyone is on the same journey that I am. Plus, those who are on the same journey, may not even know it. Moreover, some who are cognizant of the journey they are on or may be unwilling to face the giants that stand before them and, instead, seek only to drag others into their mire to join them in the battle cry of misery.

For me, passive aggression is the worst kind of aggression out there. I have a very difficult time recognizing it until it's way too late. By the time I take notice of the pattern, my relationship with that person has become a great strain and I feel like I can't do anything right no matter how hard I try. I'm constantly on the defense trying to make things right. And that is *exactly* how I get stuck in the mud of trying to find out who I really am...I've spent so much time trying to please people that I've sacrificed my own sense of self to do it; usually to no avail.

So, here I go into battle with another giant. I know going into this that, no matter how hard I try, I will end up being the bad guy. And it's probably going to cost me a lot of "friends" along the way. I suppose that will be a small test of who my "friends" really are. But, here's the deal...You f*** with my kids and you've f***ed with me. I know that isn't a very rosy, wonderful way to say it, but that's the truth.

Over the course of the past 7 months, I have watched my bouncy, enthusiastic, gifted, outgoing little girl become a weary, scared, shy basket case. She has become terrified of the one to whom I've entrusted her daytime care. Her spirit has been crushed and broken, her developing sense of self and her confidence along with her beautiful, budding personality have been squashed. Her flame, put out.

Her protests started with not wanting to get up in the morning, to whining about getting in the car. Over the past 3 months, it has become daily crying fits once I left her for the day. Figuring it was just a 3-year old's way of trying to manipulate her mommy, I tried every parenting trick in the book with no success.

It wasn't until meeting up with the group for lunch a couple of weeks ago that I really saw what was going on. I sat across from my own flesh and blood - my best little friend - for 90 minutes, and not one word did she utter the entire time: not when I walked in the door, not when I spoke to her, not when I begged her to say hello to me, and not even a good-bye when it was time for me to go back to work. I was shocked. My little girl was gone. I did not know this child, but it was NOT my little girl. I cried all the way to the office, my heart broken. What happened to my baby?

That feeling has not left my heart since. I didn't immediately place blame. Instead, I tried to think of all the things I could have done differently in that Wendy's dining room. I thought of all the other words I could have said to make her happy little self come to life. I thought of how I should have scooped her up in a giant bear hug when I first came in. But none of that would have made a difference. Because the gleaming smile that started on her face when she saw me come through that door was immediately dashed by the words this giant instantly uttered..."OOOOH NO. you don't get to go home with your momma today. you stay with ME. you obey MY rules. you will see your momma later tonight."

(rant warning)
Who says that to a 3-year old?! Furthermore, who says it right in front of the kid's own Mother? I've looked back at the past 7 months and all the relationships that have fallen apart around her. Right now, I can count 4 biggies right off the bat. In each and every situation, the pattern was to address the issue with everyone *but* the person actually involved. It was always someone else's fault. No one can ever be good enough to make her happy. She speaks of joy, yet never displays it. She chides my children for having a bad attitude, yet seems unable to get rid of her own.

(gigantic rant warning)
Adding to my list of grievances are the following:

* telling my 3-year old that "you shouldn't drink milk. it will make you sick." WTF? just because *you* don't drink milk and don't give it to your children does not give you the right spread your mother earth propaganda to my child. lying to my face when asked about this specific instance does not help the situation either.

* telling my 3-year old that "riding a school bus is a very scary thing for a little kid your size to do. little kids can get lost on the bus." at the risk of repeating myself, WTF?! do i even need to go through everything that is wrong with this?

* getting pissed off at me for not immediately returning text messages in the middle of my work day...hmm, i'm sorry. i'm not a stay at home mom. i have a job to do so that i can get paid. if i get paid, you get paid. that's the way this program works. if ya don't like it, find a new program!

* (the nail in the coffin) the inability to have a conversation with me face to face, especially if you have a problem with me or my children. if this babysitting thing isn't working out, maybe saying something about it would help. i can't read minds. sending emails in the middle of the day because you don't have the balls to say something to me in person is just plain cowardly. when i say that i don't intend to have a conversation via email because it makes us both look retarded, i mean it. grow a pair and talk to me.

* rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, shifting your weight to one foot, and huffing does not breed a feeling of maturity. nor does it display your willingness to actually have a conversation to make amends. again, if ya don't like the program, find a new program! all ya gotta do is say so. to say that you "don't want things to get weird between us" (via email, because she can't actually make these words come out of her mouth in person) doesn't really seem to match the actions outlined above.

(ok, i think that pretty much ends the rant)

Having said all of that...

I'm deleting another toxic relationship from my life. This one is going to be FAR more complicated than the first two (#1 - old bosses, #2 - family member). There are a lot of strings attached to this one. But here's the deal. I can't align myself with people who profess to be open minded about the things life has to offer; yet live life in a manner that is completely contrary to that idea. I won't align myself with people who say to listen to what is out there and take what you like, leave what you don't; yet crucify you should you choose a way that differs from their chosen path. And I sure as hell won't tolerate people who presume to know what is best for me and my life and shove it down my throat should I voice my opposition. I have two words for what you can do with that...I'll let you figure out what they are.

My family is my life. I will give anything for them. I strive everyday to do what it takes to keep them happy, healthy, and safe. Ed and I have chosen to raise our children to be individuals, not to blend into the background. We have chosen to encourage them and foster their creativity, their passion, and their talents. We have chosen how we train and discipline them according to what is best for our family; not what is best for a book, not what is the easiest, not what is popular. So, if you f*** with my children, you are f***ing with me, and you WILL suffer my wrath. My children are MY precious gifts from God, and no one else's.

Lovely Ladies in Yellow.

Thrown Away

2009-05-05T22:46:00.000-07:00

from "High Cost of Livin'" - by Jamey Johnson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiMdb2MnYr8

I had a job and a piece of land, My sweet wife was my best friend
But I traded that for cocaine and a whore

With my new found sobriety, I've got the time to sit and think
Of all the things I had . . . and threw away

This prison is much colder than, That one that I was locked up in just yesterday

My life is just an old routine, Every day the same damn thing
Hell I can't even tell if I'm alive

I tell you, The high cost of livin'
Ain't nothing like the cost of livin' high

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It seems like forever since I started this blogging thing. At times, I feel like I've made great strides. Then there are the days when I feel like I've only moved backwards. One thing that I keep coming back to as I look at all of these pillars and anti-pillars is that I must be true to myself. That's not as easy as you'd think when you're not really sure who you are anymore.

I think this constant seeking has sent me flying in a direction that is a tad extreme compared to where I feel I should be. Overcompensation is one of my greatest skills. I've found myself trying to relive a youth that was never really mine. Sure, it's great to cut loose the ties that bind me down so that I can feel free to live; but I feel like I've already lost touch with my soul in quite the opposite direction.

The fact of the matter is I'm not 19, I'm not single, and I'm not good at playing childish games. It started out as fun to attempt these things for a short while, but it's come to cause me nothing but more frustration and more questioning...to the point that I'm not sure where it will end. How far will I allow myself to go? Will I dig a hole that I won't be able to crawl out of? Will I do something that I will ultimately regret? Or, worse, will I do something that I won't regret and end up hurting others that I care about along the way?

I won't stay lost in the what-ifs. I've got to pick it up or shut it down, not stay in the middle getting caught up in the maybes. Patience has never been my virtue, and now is not the time to start attempting to make it one. Why have I chosen to let go of the control over my thoughts and feelings to the wind instead of putting them in the hands of the One who loves me? Why have I stood idle, waiting for Him to sweep down and save me? Why have I allowed my focus to wane and my daily duties as a wife, mother, and employee fall to the wayside?

I haven't come all this way to be mediocre. I haven't worked this hard to be listless and weary. I haven't conquered fears just to be hesitant to make the next bold move. And I sure as hell wasn't born this stubborn to give over control of my destiny to faceless whispers. I won't be beat down. I won't be dominated. I won't allow myself to throw away my happiness in trade for something I'm not sure I want to be.

A Middle Child of History

2009-05-04T23:18:00.000-07:00

Scene from "Fight Club"...

Narrator: [Tyler steers the car into the opposite lane and accelerates] What are you doing?
Tyler Durden: Guys, what would you wish you'd done before you died?
Steph: Paint a self-portrait.
The Mechanic: Build a house.
Tyler Durden: [to Narrator] And you?
Narrator: I don't know. Turn the wheel now, come on!
Tyler Durden: You have to know the answer to this question! If you died right now, how would you feel about your life?
Narrator: I don't know, I wouldn't feel anything good about my life, is that what you want to hear me say? Fine. Come on!
Tyler Durden: Not good enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a half-assed attempt to take a nap this weekend, I suddenly realized that I pay for satellite TV and that maybe I ought to take advantage of this service once in a while. After getting sucked into a documentary about a baby wooly mammoth on 'Nat Geo' (I've always been a sucker for documentaries - I was the one kid who looked forward to those boring videos in science class) I started flipping through the channel guide.

Sidebar: I don't like modern television viewing. With Direct TV it's damn near impossible to truly 'channel surf'...it takes waaaaaay too long for the signal to hit as you manually flip through the channels. Instead, you're forced to scroll through the menu. How am I supposed to trip over something excellent if I can't see it first? Maybe the title and your crappy little 20-word episode synopsis aren't enough to appeal to my senses. On the other hand, if I were to stumble onto it while flipping channels, I might be more inclined to watch it. But I digress...

Anyway, after learning how the baby wooly mammoth died (she got stuck in the mud and suffocated), I perused the menu for my next viewing adventure. Fight Club. Hmm. I've always wanted to watch that, but never really had the opportunity, so why not?

Interesting flick. Everyone knows the first 2 rules of Fight Club, but that was pretty much where my knowledge ended. I thought it was supposed to be about the violence, so I was pleasantly surprised. Unfortunately, I only made through the first hour before I had to return to my role as a wife and mother. So of course, now I gotta watch it again so I can finish it. But the commercial break popped in at just the right point for me...immediately following the above scene.

Which left me to wonder...What do I wish I had done before I died? So here's the bucket list I've compiled so far (in no particular order). Check back periodically, I'm sure I'll add more.

1. the usual crazy stuff - bungee jump, windsurf, skydive, drive a Nascar, shark tank, scuba dive, etc.
2. nose ring & a tattoo
3. at least 4 weeks in France: Week 1 in northern France (Mont St. Michel, Normandy, etc,); Weeks 2-3 in Paris; Week 4 in the Loire Valley and the C'ote D'Azur
4. dance lessons - while i think i'm a fairly good party dancer, the concept of organized dancing completely eludes me. you will never see me do the electric slide...unless i've had a LOT to drink. then it's just ridiculously funny in a sad kind of way.
5. meet NKOTB
6. get a grip on who i am and what i want to be when i grow up and stop worrying about what other people will think
7. stop swearing
8. become active in local government
9. have a cottage on a remote lake in michigan like grandma & grandpa's and retire there
10. walk the black sand beaches in hawaii and explore a volcano
11. spend a summer camping in yellowstone
12. learn to play the mandolin
13. home birth for baby #3, if we ever decide to have baby #3
14. build an outbuilding for my hubby full of arcade games for him and a section of pinball machines for me...the crown jewels would be Pinbot and Bride of Pinbot for me and a sit-down Star Wars Cabinet & Ski Ball for him. there would be a wet bar with vernor's on tap for him and diet caffeine free dr. pepper for me.
15. open a small greenhouse with my bff

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tyler Durden: Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessel's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted.

A Little Therapy Brought to You by the Fine Folks at Facebook

2009-04-30T22:03:00.000-07:00

Q: Which 90's Alt-Rock Goddess are You?
A: Liz Phair

That girl-next-door thing you've been doing, it's just a front. You're actually an intensely self-aware, sexualized being who sees the darker side of human nature. Truth be told, it rattles you. You've got perceptive abilities that you don't quite have control of, and thus you can be shy, insecure, or callous. You wish you were truly able to say "fuck you" to your detractors, but in reality it hurts you to be judged and/or rejected. Deeply. You wonder sometimes if life might be easier if you were just a guy. When people see you at parties, they might assume you're a snob or a bitch, but once they get you talking your candor and heartfeltness disarms them. If you can just desensitize yourself a bit, you'll have a chance at peace and happiness. If not, you'll make yourself miserable for the rest of your life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, I know that these silly quizzes are for entertainment purposes only, but geez. I've been trying to sum myself up this accurately for the past 6 weeks and this dumb thing does it in 5 minutes! So instead of trying to outdo this summary, I thought I'd dissect it...

That girl-next-door thing you've been doing, it's just a front. You're actually an intensely self-aware, sexualized being who sees the darker side of human nature. Truth be told, it rattles you.

Good grief! Again, I'm amazed by how this thing pegged me. I like to think that I do a pretty damn good job of making people think I'm an All-American good girl. That is, to people who don't know me that well, I am. People are always surprised to see what delightful evil lurks inside this cracked little mind once I let them into my world. Again, to people who don't know me well, I'm very secure and self-confident and am capable of doing anything I set my sights on. I know that that is how people see me and knowing that gives me a perverse sense of power. That power can, and has, become an addiction that scares the living hell out of me.

You've got perceptive abilities that you don't quite have control of, and thus you can be shy, insecure, or callous. You wish you were truly able to say "fuck you" to your detractors, but in reality it hurts you to be judged and/or rejected. Deeply. You wonder sometimes if life might be easier if you were just a guy.

Again, the uncanny ability that I have to read people combined with my custom-made "bullshit goggles" makes me feel like I should be one of the X-men. I know when someone is lying, I know when my customer doesn't have the money right now, I know when someone is afraid to tell me the whole story, I know when someone is trying to play me against someone else. All of my interactions with people are just one sales call after another. (Please refer to previous blog entry "Slaying Giants") And because I usually know what a person is really trying to say (or not to say as the case may be), I tend to respond in a way that can either put that person at ease, or totally set them off. Or worse yet, I block them out completely and build a wall around myself to keep them out.

It's the negative perceptions that keep me on edge. I can't stand rejection. I can't stand to be judged. I don't want to be cut off. I don't want people to shut me out. I don't want them to have that power. I don't see others as having the same ability to read me that I have to read them. In my mind, it just isn't possible. It's anticipating these perceptions that drive me into a shell of shy insecurity. I know how I look at other people and I assume they're doing the same thing to me and I don't like it one bit.

And while I may say "fuck you" to my naysayers, it really does hurt me to the core of my being to know that I didn't win them over. I've spent countless sleepless nights and shed many tears over the years replaying events and conversations in my mind trying to figure out what I could have said or done differently to make a person like me or to turn a situation my way.

I'm not sure that I wonder if life would be easier as a guy...I don't wanna have to learn how to sit down with all that junk between my legs. And boyz r dumb. But I do often wonder if life would be easier if I were just a peon in the world who didn't care about anything else.

When people see you at parties, they might assume you're a snob or a bitch, but once they get you talking your candor and heartfeltness disarms them. If you can just desensitize yourself a bit, you'll have a chance at peace and happiness. If not, you'll make yourself miserable for the rest of your life.

Because of everything else to this point, I do have a tendency to be standoffish at social gatherings...at the beginning. But it doesn't take long for me to get the show started. I'm the Barack Obama of my friends - getting others to let their guards down and feel at ease. Emotions are the only way I know to live. I wear my heart on my sleeve the vast majority of the time, but then put up walls at the strangest times.

Because of that, I get my hopes up and my heart broken easily. I always seem to let the wrong people in at the wrong times, or give the wrong people power over my thoughts and feelings. At the very least, I do a poor job of letting those people know the power I'm giving up to them and the potential affect they can have on me.

As I've said before, I am an all-or-nothing kind of girl. I'm not sure exactly how to desensitize myself without overcompensating. I'm either a total bitch or I'm a total pushover. I have no middle ground. As a result, I bounce back and forth between happiness and misery and it's all self-induced.

Looking for New Regrets

2009-04-21T22:04:00.000-07:00

"His Grace is Sufficient" by Jennifer Knapp
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIHwZO8Hnxk

I've exhausted every possible solution
I've tried every game there is to play
In this search for Christ-like perfection
I'm convinced I've only left my God ashamed

I cry, I wonder can He hear my despair
Afraid to lift my hands, afraid He doesn't care
And if He answers and I fall again
Can I still be His daughter?
Can I still depend on Him?

When I'm down I search every mistake
I'm looking for new regrets
Sometimes I forget, I forget
That His grace is sufficient for me
That it's deeper and wider than I can conceive
His grace is sufficient for me

My convictions seem to fade with desperation
My hope declines with each and every tear
My sin an anchor and this grace just an illusion
The gavel's heavy and justice is near

Up comes the light and finds the stains on my hands
Up comes my pride, I hide
I know He won't understand
Cause it's deeper than deep and it's wider than wide
Why did I ever doubt, now I'm dying inside

His grace is sufficient for me
His grace, His grace is sufficient

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For anyone in a place of growth or seeking, I highly recommend Jennifer Knapp's 'Kansas' CD. It's marvelous.

Slaying the Giants

2009-04-20T21:46:00.000-07:00

From "Startin' With Me" by Jake Owen

If I had a dime, for half the things I did
That didn't make no sense at all, I'd be livin' a little higher on the hog.
If only I'd have known, that later on down the road
I'd look back and not like what I see
I'd have changed a lot of things, startin' with me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've spent the past few days glancing at sleeping giants that must be slain; the "anti-pillars" that dog me and must be dealt with. I feel like John Cusack's character (Rob Gordon) in High Fidelity - excellent movie - running through his Top 5 Breakups of All Time. I've identified my Top 5 Anti-Pillars, I think, and now I must meet each one face to face. Truth be told, there are probably more like 10, but I'm gonna try to keep things simple. Rob didn't go through his whole list in order..."Next up Charlie...but I'm not quite ready for that...so I go directly to #4 on the all-time breakup list." Frankly, I can't go through mine in order either. And some I don't feel comfortable sharing publicly, though I may post a private note for my "inner circle" for the sake of accountability.

At any rate, I took on a giant today. It made me realize just how much time this is all gonna take. Old habits are very hard to break. The very old me has always been extremely hot-tempered; ready to fly off the handle at any moment and not afraid to tell you exactly what I think of you. Damn the consequences - that was me. I hurt a lot of people then and very rarely let anyone get close to me.

Fast forward. I spent the last 6 years in what became a very toxic relationship. As I began to develop and grow my career, I had to learn the fine art of keeping my mouth shut; to put my needs behind those of my clients, my insurance carriers, my sales team, and most importantly my boss. In wrapping myself so much into learning how to read other people - how to be a communication chameleon - my interactions with others totally revolved around their personalities, their wants, their needs, etc. in order to close a sale. Every conversation quickly became a sale, whether personal or professional. I often joke that I am a professional ass-kisser and that business is good. Though it is true, that is not always a good thing.

Six months ago, after about a year of agonizing, arguing, sleepless nights, tears, and endless worry, I decided to leave the agency for which I had worked so hard to pursue an opportunity that offered me a more positive, stable, and family-friendly workplace. It was by far the hardest decision I've ever made. It wasn't until today that I realized that it was my first step in slaying a giant. It was my first real effort to remove toxic people from my life.

Today, I removed another one. I finally got tired of trying to be the peacekeeper in the midst of a losing battle. John Maxwell talks about growth and development as a train ride. As the conductor, you can't make people get on the train if they don't want to. You can't want it for them more than they want it for themselves. Toxic people cause me nothing but misery and suck the life and energy right out of me and have no desire to move themselves out of the muck and the mire that pull them down.

To take it one step further, in sales, there are usually only 6 reasons a person doesn't buy something from you...They don't want it, they can't afford it, they don't understand it, they have no need for it, they don't like it, or they're dumb. As Ron White says, you just can't fix stupid. When you get to reason #6, all you can do is stand up straight, put your hands at your side, and shout "NEXT!" Move on to the next person, because that person cannot and will not change until they want it bad enough for themselves.

I know this is going to cause some stupid little battle in my extended family (the Fields side, not the Soper side), but I also know that I have the support of those who matter most. The truth is, the person I removed really isn't very significant to my day-to-day life, but was causing me grief on a daily basis. But here's where the growth finally happened and the light came on for me today...

Out of my 25 cousins, my siblings and I seem to have it a bit more 'together' than most of the rest of our family. By 'together' I mean: no drugs, no arrests, no neglected children, no food stamps, no domestic abuse, no inbreeding, no homosexuality, we all finished high school, we all hold steady jobs, etc. You know, normal stuff.

Now here's the problem:

There's a little demon on my shoulder that usually wins the battle for my mind. It says, "Erin's the little rich bitch. Who does she think she is? She thinks she's so much better than the rest of us." Today, I remembered where that demon came from. Those words were uttered by one of my cousins about 10 years ago to my grandmother. The grandmother with whom my brother and sister and I spent countless days taking care of. Everything from mowing her yard, raking leaves, cleaning the house, to making Thanksgiving dinners, hanging out for the heck of it, and grocery shopping. Even when my grandmother remarried and moved into town, I still made the trip to her house to take care of the yard work and plant her garden. I did this for years. And what was her response to my cousin? Not a word.

Not one syllable about how none of the other family members were never around to help her when she needed it. Not one ounce of defense about all the things I had done right while my lesbian-experimenting, witchcraft-practicing, foul-mouthed cousin pissed her life away. And that shrill little voice has stayed on my shoulder ever since. I've spent so much time trying to overcompensate for those words that I've lost my spark. The drive and hunger and goals and pursuit of happiness and competition and pressure have all been with myself...not with someone else. Trying to be 'good enough' so that I can meet the expectations of everyone else.

Well today I kicked that little bitch off my shoulder. Mind you, I may have to kick her off a few more times before she's finally gone, but the kickers are on and they're swinging.

Get back world, here I come!

Can You Hear Me?

2009-04-17T22:00:00.000-07:00

"Martyrs & Thieves" - Jennifer Knapp

There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
It presses harsh hope against time
In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves
Who only want to rob you blind
They steal away any sense of peace
Though I'm a king I'm a king on my knees
And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong
As the darkness covers me

Chorus:
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory
I am not afraid
To bare all my weakness knowing in meekness
I have a kingdom to gain
Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light
Oh I am not afraid
To let Your light shine bright in my life, in my life
Oh I... am, I...

There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
Than I thought I had given away
They linger in closets and under my bed
And in pictures less proudly displayed
A great fool in my life I have been
Have squandered till pallid and thin
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
For the darkness I know I've let win

(Chorus)

Can you hear me? (repeat 6x)

Well I've never been much for the baring of soul
In the presence of any man
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
In the arms of a sinner I am
Could it be that my worth should depend
By the crimson stained grace on a hand
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in Your will
To reveal all of You that I can

(Chorus)

There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
It presses harsh hope against time...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think this speaks for itself.

Before I Sputter Out

2009-04-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

NOVOCAINE FOR THE SOUL by the Eels
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQVntAy0FqQ

life is hard, and so am i
you'd better give me something, so i don't die

novocaine for the soul...before i sputter out

life is white, and i am black
jesus and his lawyer, are coming back
oh my darling, will you be here...before i sputter out

guess whose living here with the great undead
this paint-by-numbers life is fucking with my head
once again

life is good, and i feel great
'cause mother says i was a great mistake

novocaine for the soul
you'd better give me something to fill the hole...
before i sputter out

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I spent some time today dwelling on my "anti-pillars." That is, core characteristics that make up my being, though I'm not necessarily happy about it. They are things that drag me down into the muck and the mire of the world and hold me there. I went through a lot of tough feelings and emotions in high school - especially after my friend died. I spent a lot of time listening to the likes of the Eels, the Toadies, and STP. Not necessarily the most uplifting music ever recorded. I found a hiding place there. A place to dwell in misery until I was ready to come out. Funny how things come full circle.

Having spent so much time seeking out the positive pillars that come together so beautifully to create *me* - a strong, hopeful, hungry, happy person - I've hit a devastating brick wall. This wall is forcing me to stare down the anti-pillars in me that are constantly working against the good. What's worse, in staring down my demons, I'm finding the temptation to dwell there once again. Over the past few days, I've begun digging a trench in my misery, refusing to budge from it simply because I'm not ready to come out yet.

The question now is do I allow myself to stay here, cautiously, until I've met with and dealt with each of these demons individually? Or do I run like hell? I've been to this place before, and it's no good. I don't want to live in that place ever again. But I must go on in spite of my fears. I know that dredging through it will ultimately make me a better person, and bring a better understanding of self. But I know that I am weak. I know that this is where the devil plays, nay, delights. I know that his voice is intoxicating and that it is so, so easy to get pulled below the surface of the waters of self-loathing.

I know that if I'm going to make this journey, I cannot go it alone. I must surround myself with people who are willing to let me make this journey in my time, but help guard my spirit and my heart along the way. They must force me to face my fears and call me out for not doing so, not cow-tow to my whining and filling me with platitudes. They must be brutally honest with me. By the same token, I must be brutally honest in return. I must be willing to reach out to them when the water gets too deep because I also know that this is a dark, scary road and it's 120 miles to the next rest stop.

Chocolate Eggs and Jesus Risen

2009-04-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

Just a thought for the day as everyone's Easter festivities come to a close...

I happen to enjoy Christmas immensely. I love the spirit of the season, the good will and good cheer that abounds. I love shopping my little heart out for the perfect gifts. Nothing makes me happier than giving to others at Christmas time. (...but don't ask me to open my gifts in front of other people. It causes me severe anxiety that I cannot explain.)

Inevitably, every Christmas season, one is bound to get involved in the perennial discussion of the commercialization of Christmas and how this Holy day has lost its meaning. While I agree that it is very easy to get caught up in the activities of the season, I grieve more over the commercialization of Easter.

See, to argue that someone could go through an ENTIRE Christmas season (in my book, this starts around the middle of November with the official kickoff the day after Thanksgiving) without hearing the Gospel story is naive. I assert that it is nearly impossible to do so, unless you live in a cave. There's Christmas music everywhere. There are nativity scenes everywhere. There are church outreach activities everywhere. I think in today's world, one would have to make a concerted effort to dodge the story of Christ's birth at Christmas. I'm not saying that the Gospel story is being emphasized to its full potential, I'm just saying that you really have to *try* not to hear it.

On the other hand, Christmas wouldn't mean much if it weren't for Easter. What's the point of the Savior being born if He didn't die and rise again on the 3rd day? This most crucial chapter in the Gospel story doesn't lend itself well to being intertwined with egg hunts, baskets of goodies, and bunny rabbits. I find myself getting excited to see the Cadbury Bunny commercials (bock, bock) and riled up over Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs (thank you Marvin Gaye) when, instead, I should be ecstatic about the Power of the Resurrection and what I've seen it do in my life and the lives of those around me.

Easter is a Holy day that requires a bit more of an involved conversation with your children than does Christmas. It's easy for kids to understand that a baby was born in a manger. It's not so easy to explain that Jesus died on the Cross and was Resurrected. It just sounds weird to them...like, "ok Mom...why are you making up this silly story." We do ourselves, our children, and most importantly our God a disservice when we do not take the time to properly convey the true meaning of Easter; beyond the chocolate eggs and pretty Sunday dresses, beyond the lillies and the baskets; to the Savior who bled and died for our sins and lives again to reign in Glory at the right hand of the Father. Hallelujah!

The Pursuit of Happiness

2009-04-06T22:00:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOsZ23R-VXo

So by now everyone on the planet knows that I finally got to go see the New Kids on the Block this weekend for the first time in my life. If you think it's dorky, then that's your own bad attitude and I don't really want to hear it. Please stop reading now if that's the case. Or at least do me a favor and keep your negative comments to yourself. Ok, now that that's out of the way...

The past two weeks have had me on cloud 9. My mind has been set to the summer of 1990, sitting by the pool with my best friends giggling away while "Step by Step" blared over the speakers. I've been excited, giggly, giddy, anxious, silly, and reminiscent all at the same time. It's funny how something so "dorky" can affect me, but it has.

In all of this searching and pondering and evaluating things in my life, another aspect has become clear to me. I live for the pursuit of happiness. Why shouldn't I? After all, it's my constitutional right as an American citizen. It's far too easy to get bogged down in the day-to-day of being a wife, mother, professional, friend, etc. Where's the silly, goofy happiness in paying bills, buying groceries, fixing the car?

I've been challenged by a dear friend to look inside of me and find what makes me happy...Those words have resonated in my mind for days. I was shocked and disappointed, because I didn't know exactly how to answer it. Truth be told, it pissed me off. I think primarily because my friend knew I didn't have an answer. I wasn't sure exactly what *I* had to offer to myself. Having a deeply-rooted hope, a driving hunger, and enduring strength are all well and good, but what about life? What makes me truly feel alive?

I'm surprised at how self-conscious I am about turning 30. It's still several months away, but I want to stay 20-something. I want to hang on to my youth, to be occasionally reckless and still be able to play the "it's okay, I'm in my 20s" card. I never really did that until this year. I spent high school and college being the good girl who did everything she was supposed to do and never did anything crazy. Well, damn it, I want to be crazy. I want to get drunk on life. I want to be happy. I want to make myself happy for me, not because of what other people want or think and not because I think I owe it to other people.

My energy and excitement and enthusiasm make me happy. My youth makes me happy. My freedom to be me makes me happy. Being able to get lost in the moment makes me happy. I accomplished a task that has been on my to-do list for TWENTY YEARS! By God, I should be happy. That's nearly 2/3 of my life!

The ability to find joy in these things has allowed me to reconnect with my spirit and tap into the giddy little school girl in my heart. That girl has been quiet for way too long. Let's go out and raise a little hell!

hangin' tough

Hunger Part II - Extended Dance Remix

2009-04-02T20:48:00.000-07:00

"Haunted" by Evanescence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0eSzk37IVc

Long lost words whisper slowly to me
Still can't find what keeps me here
When all this time I've been so hollow inside
(I know you're still there)

Watching me and wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Fearing you, loving you
I won't let you pull me down

Hunting you, I can smell you alive
Your heart pounding in my head

Watching me and wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Saving me, raping me, watching me

Watching me and wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Fearing you, loving you
I won't let you pull me down

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shortly after finishing Hunger Part I, I realized that it can't just end there. There's way more to the hunger than my little blurb. Thank you, Courtney, for reminding me what happens when the single mindedness takes over. It is far too easy to get lost in your hunger, only to open your eyes and realize that you've missed something that you really wanted or needed.

The old Spider Man adage applies to this pillar. "With great power [hunger], comes great responsibility." Hunger is a double-edged sword. I find myself having to constantly guard my hunger, for the temptation to hunger for the wrong things is very real and very palpable. Satan's words can be so intoxicating, but I must know that Christ hungers for me far more than I hunger for anything else.

I can't help but think of "Saving Private Ryan" in this context. I remember seeing that movie in the theaters. I'd heard all the hubbub about people's reactions upon seeing it: standing and applauding the display of patriotism, people crying out of gratefulness for the sacrifice that so many have made to make our country free. But I couldn't help but sit in awe of the Gospel story as I watched. The vision of Christ sacrificing everything to save just one soul.

At times, our Hero was reluctant as was Capt. Miller (Tom Hanks); but He accepted His orders and carried them out accordingly. And He continues to do so every day under constant attack from the world and its evils. But to Him, it's worth braving the elements to sweep up His lost sheep into His mighty arms because He, too, is hungry.

It is far too easy to become the battered wife of sin - you tread a path full of pleasure and gratification, only to find out too late that things aren't all they're cracked up to be. You try and try to break free from sin's grip, only to go right back to it in the end. I have an image of this battered wife, being held by the arms by the hands of sin; looking to Jesus for hope, for comfort...and finding it. But in helplessness and weakness, turning away from the face of God to humbly reenter the world of pain she so desperately seeks to escape. She's not hungry enough, but Christ is. He'll keep reaching for us, keep gazing at us, keep seeking us until we are willing relent from our appetite for worldly things and follow Him.

Hunger

2009-04-01T21:27:00.000-07:00

"Need You Tonight" by INXS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZhHph4IOkc

Come over here, All you got is this moment
The twenty-first century's yesterday
You can care all you want
Everybody does yeah that's okay

So slide over here and give me a moment
Your moves are so raw, I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know, You're one of my kind

I need you tonight, cause I'm not sleeping
There's something about you girl That makes me sweat

How do you feel? I'm lonely
What do you think? Can't take it all
What'cha gonna do? Gonna live my life

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm amazed and grateful for the positive response I've received from friends regarding my last two notes. I don't necessarily intend to be "noting" daily, but I feel like I have so much to get out of me right now that I'm trying to get it down before it escapes me. My first note didn't quite go in the direction I had planned, but in retrospect, it is much-needed background info for those who stick with me through this journey going forward.

I mentioned that my friend talks about the pillars that make up a person's being. I've been trying to come up with something else to describe these core-value-like components in my own words, but I keep coming back to the pillars. So Derick, I'm sorry for stealing your idea, but I'm doing it anyway. (but thanks for the inspiration)

My second pillar is, without a doubt, hunger. Hunger for everything. A hunger for life, a hunger for laughter, a hunger for love, a hunger for spirit, a hunger for self, a hunger for achievement, a hunger for identity. It is not merely a thirst, nor is it a passion, nor drive. It is a raw hunger. I tend to approach everything as if I'm in hot pursuit and absolutely cannot live without it. I'll obsess about things to seemingly no end until I achieve the results I'm after. I refuse to settle.

Once the thrill is gone, I'm done. On to the next thing. I have not the time, nor the patience, to be lukewarm. I chose this song because, to me, it captures that feeling of hunger. Like longing, but with more energy, more strength, more determination. It says, "I will win. I'm going at this full force until I get what I want." Like Wayne Campbell and his Fender Stratocaster - It will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine. I have never been spoiled, but I always get what I want. Why? Because I'm willing to nut-up and go for it whole hog.

When all else seems to be overwhelming this hunger takes over and defeats the helplessness. The hunger drives the hope to the top of my being. All we have is this moment, and there's something about life that makes me sweat. I'm gonna live my life. I'm gonna live it with hope and with hunger and no one and no thing will ever take that away from me.

Hope

2009-03-31T21:43:00.000-07:00

"We Thought You'd Be Here" by Wes King

We thought you'd be here by now
Your mother and I
We're praying through our tears that somehow
We might hear your sweet cry
Have we waited too long
It's getting harder to be strong
Is there something we've done wrong

But if you like dancing
I'll make it rain rhythm, and rhyme, and melodies, child
And if you like dreaming
Your mother will make your imagination run wild
Somehow, we thought you'd be here by now

We have a room just for you upstairs, It's right down the hall
So we'll be close should you ever get scared
We'll come when you call
It's a room full of stories
Waiting to be told, Longing to behold

And if you like laughing
I'll paint you a circus of smiles and ferris wheels, dear
And if you like living
Your mother will fly you to worlds both far and near
Somehow...

I never knew the silence could make me so deaf
I never knew that I could miss someone I've never met
Miss someone I haven't met yet
We'll be waiting
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This song became my anthem during the 3 years it took to welcome Vivian to our family. No words can possibly describe the feeling of inadequacy and hopelessness a woman feels when she cannot achieve such a seemingly simple task as becoming a mother. Desperation can do horrible things to a person's spirit and confidence.

Ed and I decided it was time to start trying for a family of our own the summer that his sister, Kate, was expecting Jarvis. This kind of thing happens to teenagers by accident all the time, so how hard could it possibly be? Right? We certainly had our technique down by that point. After all, we'd been married for 2 years. (boom chika wow wow)

The months came and went with no progress. After 6 months, the Soper family welcomed Jarvis - our first nephew. And I couldn't get enough of him during our brief visits to Evansville. I was fascinated by all the things I had to learn from Kate about pregnancy and of being a mother. 12 months later, Kate welcomed Linus into the world. And still no baby for me. I sought out opportunities to be around babies and loved on them as if they were my own, all the while, asking God why it couldn't be my turn. What was I doing wrong?

Eventually the answer came to me in the form of a friend's pun. This friend made caricatures of our goon-squad as super heroes; each with their own goon-ish super powers. Mine was coveter of small children. He meant no ill will, but it opened my eyes to the envy in my soul. It was time to let go. I had given over my desire for a family to God several times at the altar, but still clung to the desires of my heart deep within. And it was time to let go.

If I've learned nothing else in my life, it is that I must force myself to be still and listen to God and to heed His call. God is sovereign in all things, even in all of the evil we see in this world. You see, God's timing is perfect. His will is perfect. We only get in the way when we try to do it our way and in our time.

I have a friend who talks about pillars: What are the pillars - religion, freedom, friendship, etc. - that adorn and mold your life. He has 4. I'm not sure how many I have, but I know the first one is hope. Hope that is deeply rooted and directly related to my faith in Christ Jesus and His perfect plan for my life.

I must humbly quiet my mind and my heart before God, because I know that if I listen, I'll hear Him speak. Even if it is just a whisper. He speaks peace to my mind, calm to my soul, and hope to my life - a hope that surpasses all things. A hope that says His timing and His will are always perfect. How do I know? Because "at just the right time, while we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly." That's perfect timing. That's God's perfect will. And He continues to be crucified for those who seek His face with a heavy heart. And we are still powerless.

Ed and I bought our first house 4 years ago yesterday. We closed on it at 10am, got lunch, drove to the house to stand and dream and give thanks, and went to Target to buy a welcome mat for our new home. But before I left the store, I bought one more thing at the last second. By 4:00 that afternoon, we learned that not only would we be celebrating Christmas in our first house, but that we would be celebrating it with our first baby.

God's timing is perfect. And the hope that comes just in knowing that one truth cannot and will not be extinguished.

So Hard

2009-03-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

From "So Hard" by the Dixie Chicks...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0bvDpc21Gw

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm a very emotional person and tend to use music as an outlet. Let me preface this by saying that I have no musical talent whatsoever. I can play no instruments, and I cannot carry a tune in a bucket. Having said that, I find great joy in my commutes to work and sales calls in solitude - windows up, radio blaring, and me singing at the top of my lungs. It's such a great release and I connect to music so easily. I am a fan of all sorts of music. There are very few genres that I generally dislike. I like whatever moves me. And a lot of songs move me. You'll find that most of my writing will be tied to a song in one way or another.

When I was 17, my best friend was killed in a car accident. I lost my whole world that day and have spent the last 11 years trying to get it back. No single event before, nor since, has impacted my life the way her death has. For a couple of years, it was all I could talk about. For the past couple of years, I can hardly bring myself to talk about it.

Some background...In high school, I was the geeky goody-two-shoes teen who got the good grades, never dated, never partied, never did drugs, never drank, participated in every club, did a few sports here and there, worked a dozen part-time jobs, wasn't all that popular, and always did the right thing. Although I often enjoyed doing things just to piss someone off, or just to prove someone wrong, I didn't really stand out in the crowd other than being a goofball. And I think that was pretty much how everyone saw me up until that point. And she was my absolute sidekick. We were inseparable. We looked nothing alike, yet were often called the others' name due to "guilt by association." :o)

But, with her death, something happened. I stopped being the geek, and became the "strong" one. I've always been stubborn and difficult, but this was different. It was the kind of strength you only get when you meet a tremendous obstacle and tackle it head-on. Without trying to sound self-righteous, it feels like people begin to look to you as a beacon of hope. That if I could overcome this obstacle, then maybe they could too. It was certainly not how I pictured myself until then.

I didn't truly understand how others saw that until I had a teacher point it out to me one day. Near the end of our senior year, our English teacher had everyone write an essay on the person they most respected in our class. Apparently, the majority of the papers were written about me. I've never told anyone about that, but I'm only now realizing how I embraced that persona. I began to let my identity be one with the persona of strength and determination that overcomes any challenge. I lost myself in that identity.

Fast forward 8 years, and I've worked my way up through the ranks of an insurance agency to become VP of Sales. With my persona of strength and determination, I built a professional reputation, a career, and grew the company I worked for and let my career become my identity. In my career, I became the person my coworkers and bosses looked to for that beacon of strength and hope when it was time to take the company and staff to the next level. I fed off of that attention and eventually, I lost myself in that career. I've spent so much of my time trying to prove to some made up "everyone" in my own mind, that I've completely lost who I am.

I know it's time to let go of that part of my life and move forward. And frankly, I don't have the energy to prove "everybody" wrong. I try my best to be strong, but you know, it's so hard. I have to be a good mother, a good wife, a good daughter, a good Christian, a good neighbor, a good friend. I've come to put everyone else's needs and wants before my own so often, that I've found it impossible to know what *I* want anymore. So much so, that I'm finding that I put off truly thinking about things. I don't have time for deep, thought-provoking conversations; to be introspective; to be anything more than shallow. And I can't stand it.

It's become debilitating just trying to decide what to make for dinner, to accept that it's okay if I buy myself a pair of jeans instead of another toy for the kids, to let myself relax and have fun when I'm out with my friends while Ed stays home with the girls. I feel like, if I give in to my wants, that I'm not being strong. That I'm not living up to the impossible expectations and pressure that I've come to place on myself.

When do I get to let go of the armor? When is it okay to just completely break down? I can't be weak. I can cry, but not for too long. I've gotta suck it up, put my big girl panties on, and keep charging on. 'Cause if I don't do it all by myself, then no one will. But it's getting so hard when it doesn't come easy; so hard when it doesn't come fast.

The last line of this song says, "last night you told me, you can't remember how to feel free." Well, I can't.